cherokee

burning traces of life

2009-11-13T17:55:00.003+08:00

"Seeing him was like being struck with a gentle hammer, or having a stone dropped straight through the pond surface of myself. He was golden and beaming, sweetness streaming out of his perfect face. Throughout my teenage years I’d pined for a teen novel construction of what my ideal mate would look like: taller than me but not by much, slim but strong, thick wavy hair, ready smile. Now here he was, but better, with an accent and olive skin and, remarkably, impossibly, his eyes mirrored my own delighted shock, each of us suddenly shot through with that rare immediate affinity, the effortless, unexpected connection that can sustain a person for days, months, years, with the simple hope of brushing it again."

SWEDISH ARE CRAZY
THEY HAVE SINGERS AND MEATBALLS AND IKEA
And I am off to camp tomorrow! Feels like ages ages ages since I have been to one but not looking forward to high stuff because I do not like high stuff. That and anything sea-y.
At least three shirts socks slippers toothbrush insect repellent sleeping bag! And leave sunglasses at home.

And have I said that Project Work is over?!
Feels like we just overcame war but we are alive, oh yes we are alive and alright and ready to take on the world.

DANCE DANCE DANCE!

2009-11-08T12:02:00.003+08:00

HELLO MILITARY DOLLS I AM REALLY ELATED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT IS SUNDAY (I love Sundays) AND I FINISHED MY ORAL PRESENTATION AND I AM FLOATING TO THE LIBRARY LATER.

Project Work has been absolutely mind numbing and now that all we have left is Insights and Reflection (which does not sound like a lot but By God it is. I saw the model piece and am like What NO Insights and Reflections are supposed to be like Yes I love my project but improvements can be made so there and not 500 words long but oh well.) I am still really pleased.

And I am going to the library! Which is always a good thing.

I like the feeling of things going according to plan. I like the feeling of having coffee on Sunday mornings, of making my mother happy when I hand her my result slip, of dancing with my House Committee members (if what we do is dancing most of it is shuffling of feet and wailing arms but Ranice does it like an art and so will we!). The feeling of contentment, but not fulfillment. Not that yet.

Lots of good things coming up though!

wadrobe malfunctions

2009-11-04T19:42:00.003+08:00

Kate Moss + Topshop's Christmas collection = Art.

One favourite pastime of me and my sister is digging into our closets and trying on all our clothes. Frivolous waste of time, but fun nonetheless. Sweeping aside clutter to find that dress we bought two weeks ago, trying on and taking off and throwing on the bed then trying on again. Pulling something out of the wadrobe every minute with a crazed look on our faces, mixing and matching the weirdest combination of outfits together and coming up with something beautiful. Discovering an item we have not worn in ages and working it so we can strut the streets feeling like a million bucks. Throwing opinions while rummaging through each other's stuff.

Does this make me look fat?
If I wear this tomorrow would it look too dressy?
I think you should wear that with leggings. (Because we both Love Leggings)
Oh my God that dress is so cute!
Nenek lawa tak?
You can wear that with your black shoes with little heels and the pointy front.
Wait I have never seen this before.
I think it's Syahirah's.
Can you pull me out of this thing?!

Leaving a mess of clothes everywhere, a pretty-much-empty-now wadrobe, clothes hanging off doorknobs and my Grandmother's bed, exhausted but feeling psyched to go out because when you find a nice outfit you want to go out now, and finally just lying down on the bed and zoning out.

the hand that moved the cradle, moved the world.

2009-10-25T10:46:00.006+08:00

Reading a beautiful book while kicking back at Starbucks with Java Chip Venti, listening to strains of John Mayer, watching the world go by while feeling like time has frozen and just zoooonee outtttt.

raise it up!

2009-10-21T20:58:00.000+08:00

It is getting increasingly harder to focus on what it is I want right now. There suddenly seems to be a world of possibilities and so many choices to make when previously there was none. Somehow like someone is saying "Here is what you wanted little fish now choose but don't fuck up". Choose but don't fuck up. Ironic really. I figured something like this would make it easier to breathe not make me asphyxiated. Then I catch myself asking for too much again and wonder why I cannot just accept it as it comes and be grateful. Because God knows I have a lot to be grateful about.

On a much much brighter note, I am coming to appreciate the people around me so much everyday. Yesterday I was saying to them guys that I felt as if I have known them forever. And it is true, it really feels that way. Like.. "kindred spirits" (in text citation; Erfi).
For what it is worth, I am really grateful that no matter what will be, I get to go through this trying period with such slinkster cool people.

My mother is such a gem. She has been nothing but supportive through my ugly spirit moods and warrior tantrums. When I felt like a porcelain cup with hair line cracks she treads carefully so that I don't break.
And I know that she will be with me no matter what. Making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and doling advice and fretting over my bedtime.

I cannot stop listening to Florence and The Machine right now.
The Drumming Song remind me of how Witch Baby felt with Angel Juan. Like a drum being beaten from the inside.

I want my secret agent lover man.
But for now I will settle with this.Now isn't this a yummy sight to wake up to in the morning.

with my fortunes to renew

2009-10-19T11:12:00.004+08:00

People I cannot stop listening to as I attempt to complete my Project Work while staying sane.

the waters and the wild.

2009-10-16T20:55:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I spend so much time wondering and forget how to just be.
I feel so indebted to so many people in my life right now who have got me to where I am now and strangely while that should make me feel trapped and vulnerable, strangely, I feel.. alright. Like embracing monotony after a whirlwind of events, like when you release your breath after holding it underwater for so long, like watching a fragment of a beautiful obsession going up in flames.
Like everything is going to be okay.

ashes, ashes, we all fall down

2009-10-10T20:52:00.008+08:00

I am watching this next week! I am a happy happy girl.
The show even features The Graduate! Oh my God The Graduate is one of my Favourite Movies Ever (Wedding= Best Scene Ever). I would go on about The Graduate but I blogged about it before so there.

FlashForward.
Epic new series I got terribly hooked on. You should too. Brilliance on screen.

[EDIT] Oh shit OH SHIT NEED TO WATCH THE REST. ):): [/EDIT]

Please Venus, lay your head down low.

2009-10-07T13:32:00.003+08:00

Because it is too beautiful. (No I never tire of this.)

2 in the afternoon.
Not feeling the pressing urge to study every minute is bliss. I wish I could completely feel okay but it is not over yet, oh no it is not over at all.
But it sure is nice to think it is.

To Do Now That I Can:
- Reread all the Francesca Lia Block books I can get my (fat, ever since intense mugging/ eating binge started) hands on.
- Have a massive movie marathon (500 Days of Summer! ADAM!!!) I want to watch Adam so bad I think I might cry.
- Meet up with all the lovely people I have not seen in eons.
- Go to the library for reasons other than warming the seat for six hours straight cramming my head with inconsequential Economics facts.
- Shop. (Yes a word says it all.)
- Expand my vocabulary adequately so that I can listen to Women Lit lectures without itching for a dictionary.

My mom just found $5 in my clothes that I carelessly dumped in the wash.
And it is in one piece! Today is a Good Day.

KRON is the most beautiful thing.

2009-09-26T20:05:00.003+08:00

Hello little toy soldiers.
I wish I could jump into the ocean a float for ages through timeless beauty and carefree love, drown sorrows and leave the world behind the minute you hit the water. Hold your breath and play mind games and scream Lykke Li lyrics, wading through cloth the colour of Indian silk. Spot an angel in the abondoned lifeguard tower shrouded in loneliness and dirty crumpled wings on his back but you swim away anyway. For you are going where the ocean takes you, it does not matter where, and he was waiting for his muse. His Poetry in the shape of a girl.

But something is holding you back. All the fishes and sunshine and butterfly wings will not let you go. Your skin feels wrong and the webs of light, once lifting you to the Gods, are tugging you down. You are not a water nymph. And he is on his knees, screaming for you to come all the way back.

That is how it feels now. This choking vulnerability.
Good luck kids.

our rivals are insane.

2009-09-10T20:22:00.002+08:00

Last night I went to sleep in morning hours, my mind refused to disengage. And when I did fall asleep, I dreamt the most insane dreams. Dreams that felt so real and naturalistic, so bright and vivid and terrifying. Dreams are supposed subconsious but I woke up feeling like I did not sleep at all.

The day that came was godsent. Today I made pastries the shape of tears and the colour of jacaranda tree leaves before they are in bloom. I also met up with three beautiful ladies and we reminisced and talked and laughed till dusk.

It may not have been a good idea to breathe easy now in the middle of everything but if you do not take time off for the people you love now when will you.

do the helen keller

2009-09-05T12:23:00.002+08:00

Cannot believe some people *Siddiq* do not know what "The rain in Spain" is.
Blasphemous really. (Audrey = Legend forever.)

P.S: This Blogger problem is getting on my nerves. Fair warning; am this close to switching to Journal.

P.P.S: But I half cannot bear to leave all the stuff behind gosh have to stop being so sentimental.

P.P.P.S: Rumi likes Kate Moss too!

gallery of broken hearts.

2009-08-29T13:47:00.002+08:00

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay.

the demons of eden.

2009-08-23T12:25:00.000+08:00

It is one of those nights when everyone is around and everyone is alone.

This is when you walk through a haze of cigarette smoke and careless greetings and wonder what you are doing here, in impossibly high heels and then you remember the postcard in your pocket and you continue walking.

This is when he becomes nothing and everything all at once.
When he is your lake full of fishes, your Hugh, your blanket when it gets too cold at night. Your music when the songs you used to listen to start to mean something else. Your pavement full of streetlamps and the stage for your heart to rock and roll on.

This is when you begin your descend when you desperately try to claw your way out. So many people watching you with hollow eyes and absent souls, angel head hipsters and tiny moccasin warriors. Watching. Waiting.

***

I was going to finish this but I am bored with it already. I need to sit down and write and not get up until I am done, I have not done that in so long I think I have forgotten how to.
AND AND there is something wrong with my Blogger (and my Hotmail) and I cannot colour the text in my posts.

we're on a mission from God.

2009-08-15T19:47:00.005+08:00

Probably one of the greatest movie scenes ever.

And the three people in The Industry I admire above all.

Life has been dealing us all with bad cards so it would seem whiny, repetitive and I just do not want to go into all that. There are stolen moments in days that I would not give for the world. The friends that I have made in this Hell has made everything bearable and the experiences here, priceless. Things might make me feel vulnerable, raw, ripped open but heck, what does not kill you makes you stronger. Albeit a different person.
And knowing God is with me makes everything seems a little less hopeless.

"Go down to the water where we used to swim. Stand under the sky at dawn when the sky is streaked with blood. Open your mouth and shout our secret to the waves. The ocean will be your voice. You won't have to carry anything alone. Little Sister, my Spring, April. Little nightingale. Stand at the edge of the water. Your voice will come back to you. Maybe. If I am silent."

I swear I'd fall in love every minute on the street.

2009-08-07T21:46:00.003+08:00

I feel like I am living in Bareneed and I have forgotten how to breathe.
Which reminds me that it has been a while since I read Kenneth J. Harvey. Which reminds me that I have finished reading Francesca Lia Block which was beautiful beyond imagination. Which reminds me that I am still alive. Which reminds me to breathe.
Because you see, now I need to be reminded. To breathe, damn it.

Things I am up to:
1. Funfestique, the all consuming and all draining and all encompasing devil.
2. Learning how to play Accidental Babies on the piano but damn, Nine Crimes was easier.
3. Reading My Mistress's Sparrow Is Dead which I just got from the Borders Fair! (Thanks Ern I heart you)
4. Study, of course.
Teehee.

Avada Kedavra

2009-07-29T22:22:00.003+08:00

Meridian Junior College is festivals on the street corners. Darkness and long fingernails. Sunrises and watching the clouds over the edge of the second floor. Walking over paint caused by creative explosions. Chocolate donuts at recess, Coca-Cola Light and Milo balls in the mornings. Coffee and water from Scofield make in betweens. The sky is bluer than the the tears in my heart. And tomorrow is always open. Ringing bells goes off and on whenever it wants to. Rumour has it, similar bells are used in prison. You are the official educator and I, the learner. Humour however, is a shared job. I am intoxicated by the charms of familiarity.

Meridian Junior College means parties. In the bus, in conversations, on the field, by the canteen. People have conversations with each other beyond tables, spectacles and exaggerated hand gestures. A hello is three hugs, not two. Hello hello and welcome. This is the life I have lived for the past five months. And when it comes down to it, I am on borrowed time. Already the early hours of the morning are greeted with tears seeping into your clean sheets. But this time is mine. And yours. It is what we made; love.

Meridian Junior College is pretty much all there is to my life now, before you kiss today away and turn off the lights.

books books books

2009-07-25T19:40:00.001+08:00

In typical Christopher Moore fashion, Fool entices, amuses and touches readers in so many ways possible.
Or maybe that is just me.I posted about Christopher Moore before, in my review of A Dirty Job, another brilliant piece of art.

Fool is based mainly on the story of King Lear. King Lear is a play by Shakespeare, in which an elderly king of England decides the time has come to split his kingdom between his three daughters, and bases his decision on who gets what on how much each love him. Being a vain old man he allows his two eldest daughters, Regan and Goneril, to flatter him with false words of love. When his youngest daughter, Cordelia, refuses to play that game he disinherits her and splits his kingdom between his two eldest daughters with the proviso that he live half the year with one, and half the year with the other, while Cordelia is married off to a Prince of France and banished from England. As it turns out, of course, Regan and Goneril show their true colours fairly soon and refuse to take care of Lear and end up plotting against each other for sole control of the kingdom. However, in Moore's novel, the story is told from the fool, Pocket's, point of view.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Lear, I'm a jester, not a bloody wizard. If you're going to keep diving in your muck of regrets then I'll just hold your sword for you and you can see if you can get your ancient ass moving enough to fall on the pointy part so we can both get some bloody peace."

Normally when writers attempt to duplicate Shakespeare, most fall flat. What I love about Fool is that he is able to reproduce the tone and satire of the play, complete with bawdy Elizabethan England vocabulary. It becomes funny because Pocket is adorable, witty because the language is beautiful, and heartbreaking because of Pocket's story. Not to mention crude humour and a few ghosts thrown in, because there is always a "bloody ghost."

**********

GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN THE MERIDIAN JUNIOR COLLEGE LIBRARY?
NO YOU WILL NEVER GUESS BECAUSE THE MERIDIAN JUNIOR COLLEGE IS THE LAST PLACE YOU WOULD THINK TO LOOK FOR..
!

I was so freaking excited I nearly cried.
Finally, I have gotten my hands on not one, but two of these gems. Two! I tell you. There is a God.

"I had been dreaming of him and wishing for him forever. When I met Valentine I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew that my soul would always have a reflection and an echo and that even if we were apart - and we were for a while in the beginning - I finally knew what my soul looked and sounded like. I would have that forever, like a mirror or an echoing canyon."

I have a thing for mass postings.

harry potter and the half blood prince

2009-07-25T19:38:00.000+08:00

I caught Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince on 16th July with a bunch of crazy people and this is my review.

I am not a Harry Potter fan. I do not read Harry Potter because I always found it lengthy and exhaustive, bite me. I respect the fact that some people really love it because there are some books I really love too so I get that. Just, I am not a Harry Potter reader. That said, I have watched every single Harry Potter movie to date. Because the movies are epic, and I like watching epic movies. This was what I thought of The Order of The Phoenix.

The reason I referenced to the fifth movie is because I felt the same way for this movie. It was good, but not phenomenal. And I always thought Harry Potter movies should be pretty damn phenomenal, what with all the hype dancing around it. Effects were not as brilliant as I hope, and the plot seemed more diluted somehow.
My favourite character has to be Draco Malfoy. I know it is unusual, but he seemed to display an uncanny amount of emotions in this film that I could not help but be drawn to.

I think it was a good movie, and something probably only ardent Harry Potter fans can truly appreciate and wax lyrical about. The best Harry Potter movie to date, for me, is still Goblet of Fire because that is when the effects are really outstanding. Nonetheless, I will be watching out for the arrival of the last movie, albeit not as impatiently as the Potterheads.

On a different note, colouring the text of this post made me happy.

last's night diversions.

2009-07-17T19:43:00.007+08:00

Things I Can Be Happy About:

1. I have officially survived my first Junior College official examinations, albeit with less than satisfactory results.

2. Reading through the archives of my old blog remind me of how much I used to adore Cyanide and Happiness and the times when I would snicker and giggle to myself reading fifty comics at a go and my mom would think I was up to something suspicious.

3. Okto is showing reruns of Avatar, which is just about The Best Cartoon Ever, followed closely by Danny Phantom and Spongebob Squarepants.

4. I do not have overdue homework. Plus my EOM is done, hooray!

5. I have my defence mechanism.

I miss you girls so goddamn much you would not believe.

6. Lately this bad phase (yes it is a phase I think) I am going through makes for good poetic-writer inspiration.
7. I have finished reading Fool by Christopher Moore, which I shall blog about soon I think.
8. I think, maybe, there may be light at the end of this tunnel.
Maybe.

please forget to fall down.

2009-07-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

My wretched soul torn at itself, eating its own flesh. I couldn’t get my eyes to move away. I couldn’t get my ears to tone her out. I watched her scream, watched her body thrash against his. She begged him, she wouldn’t stop begging him. To stop, she’d do anything if he stopped. He grabbed her by the hair and forced her onto her stomach. Grabbing at her shirt, he ripped it over her head. She screamed and clawed and screamed. For mercy, for God. He pulled her head back to him, leaned into her ear and spat out with teeth grind together, “you’re going to like it.” This made her heart dropped deep into the bottom of her gut. Breathing was optional, her heart raced with fear. Her eyes wide, she stuttered, trying to find her thoughts. Trying to find the words to say.

He stood up, pressing his boot deep into her spine, holding her down. Digging his nails into her skin he ripped down her pants, ripped off her panties. Her face burned red with tears, snot. She screamed so hard vessels had begun breaking in her now pale dead face. Her face contorted until it was unrecognizable. This man did not care. And I, I just watched.

He went down onto the floor, on top of her, unbuckling his belt and pants. His fingers rushed, clumsy. She clawed her hands ahead of her, trying to crawl out from under him. He grabbed her by the hair, forcing her to turn over. She screamed and clawed at his arm. His large and overworked fist beat into her skull. He shouted at her, louder than he’d ever shouted. Spitting in her face. She sobbed so wretchedly, her body sickly.

Now grabbing her by the neck, he forced himself inside her. Squeezing softly when she moved. She couldn’t breathe. Blood flowed from her body. His head rocked back as his hips moved back and forth, back and forth. She screamed, thrashing her head back and forth, back and forth. He moved his hand from her neck to her mouth and her nose. He was going to kill her. She tried; with all the life she had left, to fight him. To live. He didn’t say a word, even as her movements became labored and slow. Even as her eyes faded shut. He pounded into her, with no empathy. With no mercy, or any sign of remorse. He moved his hand the moment she stopped breathing. Slapped her face around, her eyes batted open.

My eyes did not move from her body, from the way she twitched and pleaded. My mouth hung open. I wanted her to suffer. I did not know her. But she needed to suffer. I could feel sickness swell inside me, and I had to turn and throw up. I could feel hot tears run down my face.

The man had heard me, his face turned with fear as he looked right, left, right. He stood up quickly, buttoning back his pants. And within seconds he disappeared into the cold night. The woman, whose body was smeared in her own blood, lay bewildered and frightened on the wet grass. I thought, I must help her, how can I not help her. I walked forward without thinking, and I stood there in the opening. Her eyes red and wide watched me. She did not cover her body with her hands, she lay there, “Thank you” she barely whispered. I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell her it was okay. I needed to call the police. But I couldn’t move. My mouth tried to form words. I caught my breath and said, “oh my god.” It was then I began to move forward to her and she began to find her clothes.

I sat down next to her, “are you… hold on, I’ll call an ambulance.” My shaking hands reached into my pocket to find my phone, I dialed 9-1-1. I thought of the lies I’d have to say to the police, how I spotted her, what I was doing out at night.

The woman slipped her clothes over her frail body. She did not blink, stared straight ahead, her mouth partially open. Her body was torn, her jaw and nose broken. Her face was swollen. Somehow she did not notice. And I remembered how it felt. How suddenly, nothing would ever be painful ever again. How the sun would never be as bright. Legs like anchors, and a body that never stopped shaking. I remembered my first thoughts, not being able to remember who I was, or what had happened. But having the rape replay itself again and again in my mind.

She knew I was there, but she did not really know I was there. She was now in a bubble, away building a wall. Because bubbles do not last forever. But walls do. That is what she was doing. Planning a new life, that didn’t involve other people. That involved alcoholism, obsession with rape. Never being sexually satisfied with loving sex, or even not loving sex. Eventually she’d need to stroll around at night and find another woman being beaten and raped. Eventually she’d need to be the one who hurt. She’d need to be the one to pull on their hair and push their face into the ground and tare at their flesh. She’d need to be the one to violate in the cruelest way. Nothing would be the same for her. She’d be constantly scared. Constantly in hate of herself.

I watched her stare off in the direction the bastard had fled. How could I tell her that I could have stopped it sooner? How could I tell her that I sat in ecstasy as she suffered hell? I reached my hand out to her shoulder, her skin jumped, her heart beat faster, but she didn’t flea. She looked towards me; her eyes had turned sad and childlike. I said, “It’s going to be alright. They’ll find him. You’ll get your justice.” That seemed to be enough for her, and that seemed to be enough for me.

I could hear sirens coming closer and closer. I stood up; my thighs were cold and wet and dirty from the ground. I looked down at her, “I’m going now. You’ll be okay now.” She didn’t say anything, but I could see her breath in the cold stale air quicken, her face whipped itself back onto the forest, her eyes fixated. I went back to the bush, and waited for the cops to find her. And when they did I left.

I walked home, my pace fast. My thoughts faster. I wouldn’t confront what had just happened. I could already see her again in my mind, playing like a movie. My heart swelled and tears from nowhere streamed down my face. Over my nose, down my lip… My legs wouldn’t carry me, and I fell on the sidewalk. On my knees, hands buried in my hair, I sobbed.

a life less extraordinary

2009-07-11T09:03:00.000+08:00

I have a lot of shit to get off my chest right now. I feel so tense and so sad and so happy and so in love and so broken and, it is driving me mad. All the little signs adding up and making this big picture. All the little things we let slip from our lips.
I must be dead. I must be. I am looking back on my life. Remembering it. I do not even recognize myself anymore. I am in withdrawal.

Life has become so complex I have no idea what to do with it anymore. I am being pulled in so many directions I hope I do not break because if I do I have no idea what can put me back together anymore. The only thing that keeps me hanging on is Damien Rice floating in my ears, and the tears he causes because they convince me I am alive.

I have changed. I know I have I can just feel it. Sometimes I wonder if people would still think I am me if I am not me anymore. If they really know who I am. Or was there ever a "me" in the first place? Because it is getting harder to tell.

I am rambling because I am depressed, and I am depressed because I did not get sleep last night. All this conflicting thoughts in my heart and in my head do not make for good comforting dreams. What a year this is turning out to be.
I hope God is on my side this time.

we're all mad here.

2009-07-05T12:10:00.005+08:00

Probably one of my favourite childhood stories is Alice in Wonderland. I think I went a little backward, I remember reading Through the Looking Glass before Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
We all know how the events play out, Alice follows a late White Rabbit down a rabbit hole and becomes small, then tall, then small and floats in her own tears, meets a mouse and dodo and a smoking caterpillar, amongst other curious creatures, becomes a guest at a mad tea party with the Mad Hatter and March Hare and Dormouse, and later meets the Queen of Hearts who hates white roses and loves saying "Off with their heads!", grows larger, argues with the King and Queen of Hearts and then wakes up for tea.
Yes, not your typical Prince Charming and pumpkins to riches story. Curiouser and curioser.

You can probably guess by now why I love this book. I think the story is brillantly whimsical (saw that coming didn't you) and just so bloody creative that you would be a fool not to love it. The characters, they are just so peculiar that you cannot help but wonder how Lewis Carroll could possibly come up with such literay nonsense. I love Alice in Wonderland.

Anyway, in view of Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie, I think everyone should read the book first before watching the movie (if you have not, bully for you) because it is only then that you can fully appreciate Alice and Wonderland. Besides it is only right that if you love the movie you would love where it originated from too.
Yes, and the Mad Hatter too.

Oh speaking of books, I am reading another Christopher Moore book, hooray! I have mentioned Christopher Moore so many times here because of his fantastic wit, so if you have not read any of his books go read them NOW.

And for some unexplainable reason I keep listening Panic at the Disco songs for A Fever You Can't Sweat Out.

what's holding you back?

2009-07-01T07:24:00.005+08:00

"You seem sad."
"Sad is better than lonely."

Why do I keep feeling like I have made a mistake? I do not know what I want anymore.

And Accidental Babies makes me cry. Why am I so teary? I hate being this emotional for no reason other than feeling.. defeated. I KNOW I AM STRONGER THAN THIS DAMNIT.

But what if I am not.
Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am just me.

It never made sense to me. Any of it. The long talks, the way one evades, the way one holds another, hands, eyes, romance, family, politics, every goddamn thing you can think of.

And moments like now, I feel like all the weight of all the information I do not know, is suddenly clear to me. That nothing is really standing in my way, but myself. And I have ask myself, the reason things grow darker, is it not because I am more interested in the dark than I am interested in the light? Is the answer as simple as, that I simply am not willing to change? If I wanted things to be simple, black and white, easy and beautiful, could I not simply just alter my self and the things I do to make that so? But rather I continue down this spiral of danger, of loss, of hopelessness, of irresponsibility, of anger... because I would rather be here than there? Is it that simple?

hope that this is just imagination

2009-06-26T07:30:00.009+08:00

He who shall forever be remembered for moon walking, Thriller, pedophilia, plastic surgery, Neverland, and other eccentric things.
Michael Jackson was many things, but above all, he was sheer legendary genius.
R.I.P King of Pop):

I am not Jackson's biggest fan, but I feel immensely sad about his death. Maybe because his personal life was a roller coaster ride of controversy, but don't you see? It is because he is so eccentric that people love him. And I really hope he gets remembered for all the brilliant things, like inspiring dancers and revolutionizing pop, not merely the tabloids he sold.
********

I was looking through my messages today. And I was looking through some of the messages I sent last night when I was shagged from studying Economics.

26/06/09 02:36
To: 463
dear god please make this all worthwhile i want to be HAPPY i want to breathe easier

26/06/09 02:44
To: 463
dear god i wish i could believe again

26/06/09 03:02
To: 463
why does life have to be so hard but i love love love someone tee hee help me please

I thought about it for awhile and realized that 463 on a phone would spell 'God'.
I tried to text God last night.

if i told you this was killing me would you stop?

2009-06-22T11:22:00.007+08:00

This was how my Sunday went.

When I woke up three things occurred to me. The first was that I was in a hospital bed. The second was that it was Father's Day. The third was that I needed to pee real badly.
Five seconds later I remembered that I was sleeping in my grandmother's bed, I have to go wish my father a Happy Father's Day. And I still needed to pee. Climbed over the rails feeling like an escaping prisoner and nearly tripping in the process.

Drifted half asleep into the kitchen where my mother was cooking. I would have offered to help but I wanted the food to be edible so I wisely stayed out of the way.
(My mother was real cute. She knew I was taking pictures of the food for my blog and told me to say that I cooked it for my father. I told her noone would buy it.)

I would have taken a picture of the cake but my cellphone battery went flat.
That was a lie. My cellphone battery only went flat at about 11 at night. Truth is the cake disappeared before I could get a decent shot of it.

We had a lovely lunch as a family, which was rare, because we seldom eat together as a family now that everyone is so busy going about their own lives. I almost forgot what good company my family can be.

Meanwhile later in the day, I did some sewing and painting to waste the time away because I did not feel like studying because it was Father's Day. If I were a father (which is warped logic because I will never be a father and besides if I were a father I would not need to study), today is a day where I would do nothing at all.I am not going to tell you what I sewn or painted, maybe when you see something that looks like I could have made it you would ask me Did you sew this yourself and I would say yes.

Yesterday I watched Finding Nemo for the first time and it was a surprisingly sentimental movie. It got me thinking if all funny movies are really very sentimental and maybe when I watch I Love You Beth Cooper or Coraline I would not be laughing but crying.

I went to sleep with full knowledge that I did not do any studying but surprisingly felt oddly numb about that realization. Because when you spend an amazingly calm day with your family and doing things you love and things that give you a sort of satisfaction of accomplishing something you do not think about studying because it seems trivial in comparison.

And I had a really good day yesterday, kids. Thanks for reading.(:

remember what you told me.

2009-06-18T09:14:00.004+08:00

Gotta love Andrew Autopsy Heartbreaker Toxic.(:

You guessed it, the crazy-attempt-at-studying phase has begun.
Good luck kids.

i want to be swept off my feet, you know?

2009-06-14T11:24:00.013+08:00

******

I feel depressed now that I know Michael Scofield is going to die (stupid Wikipedia).
I do not feel like studying anymore.

******

head rush says:
you know it's different now

syafiqah; cereal killer says:
yeah. different.

syafiqah; cereal killer says:
that kind of sucks.

head rush says:
yeah.

preparing to run away.

2009-06-12T12:21:00.002+08:00

Amazing how it feels like the holidays have yet to begun, though we are well into the second week already. I think I wasted a lot of time, no, I know I wasted a lot of time but it is really too late to regret. After all regretting would be wasting even more time, time that can be better used to, to.. do something.
To talk to my grandmother, to sweep the floor, to wash my shoes. To read my notes to print arithmetic homework to write stories. To go shopping to charge my mobile phone to do tutorials. To write to read to breathe.

Every time I think I have gotten my life under control, that it is okay because I know what I am doing, I do something undoubtedly stupid but before I realize what a huge fuck up I am making I do it already. And I know people will shit bricks when they know but bollocks, it is done. And my life is not under control and it is not okay because I do not know what I am doing. And I have to remind myself to breathe, remind my heart to beat but damn can I not.

Have you ever wondered how you can expect a person to be one way

but then you discover he can be something totally different

and you decide you like them both, only now that you know both sides it makes you view them in an altogether new light. It is confusing but it is what it is.

And maybe, maybe knowing there is more to him makes you want him more.

you're drunk, you need this.

2009-06-08T18:50:00.006+08:00

"It seemed to her like she could become an artist there, like the people in books, who did not have pools or Astrosurf or rose bushes or smog or houses the colour and texture of guacamole, but had coffee and books on every corner and museums and theater and poetry reading in basements and streets where almost every shop sold wonderful black shoes with soles that were hard to wear out."

Or maybe, maybe you could just talk to me. Tell me that it is all going to be okay. Stroke my hair softly and lie to me. Tell me what I want to hear. Convince me it is alright because you feel the same way. That is was not wrong or weird and awkward. Then, that way, that way maybe it will be okay. Even though you lied and I told the truth. But we will laugh quietly and pretend. Because that is what we do. We pretend.

i like lists.

2009-06-05T19:47:00.004+08:00

Top Three Movies Your Mother Will Not Let You Watch But You Should Watch Anyway:

V For Vendetta
Remember, remember
The 5th of November
The gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

Why you mother will not let you watch this: It is violent and politically incorrect. If your mother votes for PAP and would not stand for an unconventional and liberal way of thinking, you will have to resort to YouTube for this gem.

Why you should watch it anyway: It is violent and politically incorrect. It is also philosophically deep and full of beautiful, beautiful emotion. It is more than just a movie justifying a man's vendetta, it is a story of the human spirit. The characters were portrayed with such depth and beauty and the suspense was gripping yet held an underlying sensitivity which made it that much more heartbreaking.

Lolita
"I looked and looked at her, and I knew, as clearly as I know that I will die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth. She was only the dead-leaf echo of the nymphet from long ago - but I loved her, this Lolita, pale and polluted and big with another man's child. She could fade and wither - I didn't care. I would still go mad with tenderness at the mere sight of her face."

Why your mother will not let you watch this: Where do I begin. Simply the tale of Lolita is about a middle aged man being obsessed with a young girl (a nymphet) and having sex with her would make any mother burst several blood vessels.

Why you should watch it anyway: Before anything, you have to understand that Lolita was based on a novel by Vladimir Nabokov, a real literary gem. It is controversial and if you fully understand the context you would know why. You would also understand why this is not a mere incestuous movie with soft porn and pedophilia, but really a sad story about a man's hopeless obsession and how it can also be interpreted as a tale of a weak adult being exploited by a corrupt child. You have to be mature enough to not take the tale at face value and appreciate the horror of a tortured soul it represents.

Dancer In The Dark
This isn't the last song
There is no violin
The choir is so quiet
And noone takes a spin

Why your mother will not let you watch this: Maybe she will. But the last scene in the show is so sudden and heartbreaking beyond belief, she may not let you watch this simply by the virtue of preventing you from screaming and breaking out into hysterics.

Why you should watch it anyway: And I am not biased simply because I love Bjork. You should watch this because this is a true story of sacrifice and how a mother is willing to give up her life to capital punishment just so that her child will not suffer with blindness the way she had. But this movie is not only about sadness. No, it is about how a lovely woman lives dreaming and singing and living. Watch this with a box of Kleenex.

have you ever wished for a different life?

2009-06-01T21:41:00.005+08:00

Someone please watch this with me because I really want to see it! I know it is morbid and all but I love morbid and macabre and when I saw this trailer I was gripped. I really want to watch this.
You know what else I really want to watch?
The rest of Boys Over Flowers! Lee Min Ho(:
Golly geez I wished I had time to watch it all in a full fledged marathon. Alas, homework awaits.

P.S: I cannot fathom how Twilight could sweep so many awards at MTV Movie Awards. Best fight is true I think but best kiss?

blood, sweat and tears.

2009-05-28T19:15:00.007+08:00

COLOSSEUM 2009 is officially over. All the weeks of tough practices for cheerleading and making tons of new friends and simply having a hell of a lot of fun. I groused about this a lot but all the practices paid off because colosseum was amazing! It was so fun and damn I will miss my lovely Team Atlas. Everyone worked their hearts out, Suhaidah Connie Alphonsus for creating the wonderful mascot costume, the cheerleaders for never giving up even after they banned stunts and we felt it was a lost cause. I am so proud of all of us.

Special congratulations to every single house who put in their utmost best for Colosseum. We were all amazing really, thank you for making Colosseum something so brilliant.CallistoMirandaTritonPhobos

I will miss the crazy cheerleading practices. ):
Colosseum!
What do I want to be? An ATLAS WARRIOR. (:

lady audley's secret.

2009-05-28T11:57:00.007+08:00

Meridian's Drama Night last Sunday was brilliant, and I am not just saying it because I love the people in it. The acting was superb, the company was awesome and the only flaw it had was the bollocks air conditioning.

And the pictures, oh my God the pictures.

Introducing our official photographers, Erfi Tabloid and Shruti Paparazzi.

Danial unprepared.

Danial prepared.

Poor Razeef trying to stay in role.

Lady Audley's Secret!Serinder's wonderfully misleading performance.(:

Oh my God Suhaidah and Naeem's most classic performance.

With Tamanna, our Lady Audley!

After the show.

Yes Sze Ern loved it alright.

ain't no sunshine.

2009-05-26T11:54:00.001+08:00

It seems like you’re right here with me. Like I’ve known you for ages, you were sitting inside my chest cavity, buried into the fabric of my heart; Waiting for today. The sun hits your skin, through your hair; it dances on you like fire, white fire. I see you behind my eyes, above me, looking down on me, smiling. Our moments together are fragments of time, stitched together, with music playing softly along with our hands and the way our bodies move. We whisper small worships onto each other’s skin. I imagine how your lips form, and I watch inside my head how your hands turn. We’re different people in my eyes, like gods resting in the sky, we’re more than our simple kisses and the way you’ve never said a thing I didn’t love. Your words are honey to my ears, I tell you how I long for you, and you hardly notice my tears.

We send letters; it’s a formal little love affair. You say we make miserable lovers. I’m not sure who I believe, your lips or my heart. You’ve told me about the winter beaches, the snow that finds the golden shores of your home. And you tell me how the water finds ways to always break them apart. I day dream, my eyes longing to see, of what your words are saying. And I tell you, you have no idea what you’re doing to me.

You don’t correct my run on sentences, or my misspelled and misplaced words. You don’t get angry with me when you’re angry with your day. You’ve never spoken a harsh word to me. Maybe it was your voice that made me love you even more. And how terrified my soul is to see you standing there in front of me. My heart can’t take the way you’ve teased me.

So I sit alone, reading books, being the friend that you want. I move onto other things, clean the dishes, take the trash out. I see the sun rise, and I see you behind a cloud. I need you, and you don’t know. I need you, and I hardly know. I keep my eyes open, and my fingers moving, deep into the cold night. Just to see you. But I will be subtle in my approach, there will be no loud noises, my face surely will not contort. I will maintain the grace that is my love for you. Even if all I long for is my dreams to play in front of me. Even if I’m the one who will lose.

I could write a story about us that was not true. I think I’d like that better, to see you in my bed when I wake. To make breakfast, and make small talk. To find the open roads and feel the wind on my face. I think I’d like it better if I had some place inside your heart. And if it wasn’t filled already. I’d like that better, to not be second best. To be the one that found you first. You’re a gem, hidden quietly amongst the rocks of the sea. I’d like to believe you were waiting for my slender fingers to grasp you. But maybe I don’t deserve you. Maybe I should leave you be. Maybe you don’t want to leave the sea.

Maybe I’ll row out to find you. Spend my entire life looking for you. And I know where you are the whole time, but I’ve got to make this a journey. So you know what you mean to me. I’ll paddle out to you for hours, go through hell and find you somewhere on the outskirts. Maybe if I’m broken enough you’d see what I had been saying. I’ll build you a boat, and we’ll row out together. We don’t need to have the shore to have home. We can build a house on the other side. We can learn a new language. We can wake up in the night, laughing with each other, playing games, watching stars come out. We could build a boat together. Never have to see this town again.

…I’d row all night and day, just to get a glimpse of you. I’d rock my arms back and forth, get lost in the sun. I’d fly as close as I needed to. Just to touch you. Do you know that I need you? I’d like to write a story about us that wasn’t true. A story where we could live happily ever after, if you wanted to.

But you’d be right, like you always are. We’d sink just as soon as we left shore.

it's the weekend!

2009-05-24T10:39:00.006+08:00

I should have probably seen this coming, since Suhaidah infected us all with this Korean fan girl vibe, what with Wondergirls and Big Bang and 2NE1. But really, I never thought I would be a fan of..Boys Over Flowers! I distinctly remember Namira telling me about this show and all the hot guys in it last year at Century Square and I was all, "Uhhuh okay.. eh want to go eat?" And now, now I am actually watching this online. Oh my God, I actually like it better than Indonesian dramas, I apologize Erfi. Plus I think Lee Min Ho is really hot.

P.S: And I cannot wait for Prison Break because I need my dose of Wentworth Miller.

[EDIT] OH MY GOD I just went to Wiki Boys Over Flowers because everyone knows Wikipedia is the Holy Grail of all misinformation and endings of series you have not watched yet, and now I know what happens in the end even though I am only at Episode Six! ): [/EDIT]

where we never sleep.

2009-05-21T21:50:00.005+08:00

I love Kris Allen I think he is awesome and his rendition of Ain't No Sunshine was bloody brilliant...
but I wish Adam Lambert won! He exudes a more idolesque vibe for me. ):
Ah well congratulations to them anyway. (:

I have been a silent blogger lately and I apologize. I have attempted to make up for it by posting a short story before this, because just posting what I wrote before is easier than having to sit here and think of what I have to post. I have a feeling I would be doing this more often in the future, so brace yourselves.

Anyway, Colosseum is next Wednesday, scream now. Atlas Cheerleading has been completely thrown by the curve they threw by banning stunts, we were really upset. After all, stunts was practically all we were doing! Elevators and shoulders sits and sweeping and popping and now they are telling us that our efforts have all been in vain for we cannot do any of it. Of course, nothing we can do about except make the best of the situation so I really hope we can pull through. I have faith in all of us.(:

My grandmother is so naughty! These days she is being tube fed, and just two seconds ago she actually pulled out her tube from her nose. This is despite the fact that her hands are in those gloves they make old people wear so that they do not pull the tubes from their noses.

I have been feeling increasingly tired these days and it is not just because of cheerleading. It seems like there is forever something to do, forever someplace to be at, but when it all boils down to it what are we doing all this for really? I miss having a life.

Million Dollar Question: "Is a university degree necessary for success in life?"

how did we get here?

2009-05-19T21:25:00.001+08:00

It's four in the morning, so you get ready to leave. You never leave later than four, she might be an early riser. And you never want to stick around for the morning after. So you leave before she wakes. You know from past experiences that this saves both parties a lot of grief and awkwardness. They never see you leave. When they wake they'll see you've gone and they'll be glad. Glad and relieved that they will not be faced with the reminder of their mistake. So you leave. You put on your clothes that have been strewn everywhere, take one last look at the sleeping woman. You picked well last night. It's just as well you couldn't stay. You made your way through the unfamiliar surroundings and disappeared silently out the front door.

It's eight in the morning, but the alcohol bottle was already half empty. Sunlight streamed into the room, and it hurt your bloodshot eyes. You were still in last night's clothes, hadn't bothered to change. You can change later, before you leave. You reeked of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke. Your eyes unfocused and your head pounding. Yet you downed another swig of beer from the bottle. Because you needed it. You needed to drown you sorrows in the drink, clear your mind. So you can get away from it all. Imagine, even if for a while, that your life was not the wreck it seemed. That you were not a wreck. Still had a future. So what if you lost your job? So what if your wife left you? Fuck all that. You could still make something of yourself. The alcohol burned as it flowed freely down your throat. And the women, oh the women. You lose yourself in them. In their taste and smell and feel. When you are with your legions of admirers, you feel desirable, in control. Powerful. Fuck commitment. This way, you can have any woman you want, anytime. You were free.

It is eleven at night, and you were scanning the crowd. A girl across the bar was trying to catch your eye. She couldn't have been over twenty five, but she dressed like a hooker so you didn't feel like Frank Lasalle. You liked that. So you sauntered towards her, and introduced yourself. She kept giggling, but you weren't being funny. You knew you could get her in bed. You bought her a few drinks and finally, finally she made a move to leave. You offered to sent her home. She liked that, her eyes lit up, the invitation in them obvious. You were at her doorstep, and she's asking you in. Before you know it, she was kissing you, her body draped on yours. You kissed her back and her hand slipped into your jeans. You carried her into her bedroom.

Now it's four in the morning, and you're getting ready to leave.

murder me like you murdered my mother.

2009-05-17T11:36:00.003+08:00

A place is not a place. A place is people.
And if not for people I doubt I can pull through the way I have managed to.

Studies are getting really bollocks and everything is coming together in a really haphazard kind of way. Pieces of disjointed information somehow attempting to fit itself in my brain like puzzle pieces that do not match. Sometimes when I attempt to study and my brain flies away and and cannot study anymore.

Non-academic commitments are a joy and a hassle. I love cheer leading, love love love it, but I cannot say that I will not be relieved when it is over. Albeit I know that time I would have would not wholly go to studying anyway. Plays for Literature and Visage is making my mother shit bricks. She absolutely loathes the fact that I am spending so much time outside and treating my home like a hotel.

You know what I miss? I miss reading for the sheer joy of reading. I have no time to read for fun anymore and that is really sad. I used to be able to go to the library every weekend and read four new books every week but not anymore now. Now I go to the library to study and wonder if this is all there is to life.

does any place like that exist?

2009-05-13T16:15:00.002+08:00

"It's just that I feel so different from most people. And this idea of a race living underground in caverns, spending all their days dancing and playing the fiddle and eating flowers and reciting poetry and sharing their dreams, that to me sounds much more real than the way people live in this world, hating and fighting and wanting and hurting."

I have no qualms about the fact that I will be able to get through the next two years, albeit probably barely scraping through.
I just hope, after all this, I will still be me.

we're not worthy!

2009-05-10T15:17:00.002+08:00

I will not say that I have the best mother anyone can have.

Not because she is not worthy. No, she is more than that. My mother is truly amazing. My mother is strong, so strong sometimes I wonder if anything can ever break her. And if she breaks, if anyone can piece her back together. My mother is generous, so generous she gives up all her time, every hour of every day, for the family. My mother is just so..so wonderful. And I love her.

Sometimes I feel like I do not appreciate her enough. But how do you adequately express to someone how much you love them when the depth of gratitude, the overwhelming amount of, of love, is just so much? Because I can never show it. And I will never be able to repay each and every single thing that she has done for me. For all of us. But I sure as hell would try. Sometimes I feel like bollocks excuse of a daughter, forever snapping at my mother and not thanking her enough and continually being a disappointment. I cannot change the past, and I am not proud of it but I can alter the future. By being a better daughter.

I will not say I have the best mother anyone can have.
Because not everyone can be as privileged as me, to have a brilliant beyond brilliant mother. And not anyone will know how to appreciate her.
But one thing is for sure, I have the best mother I can ever wish for.

Happy Mother's Day, Umi.
I love you beyond anything.

and we'll sing it back to you.

2009-05-07T21:10:00.003+08:00

High quality to stop swine flu.

All of these guards, they stand tall at offensive
Putting up walls around what was once innocent
They won't let me in but I'm stronger than that
Cause you stole me eyes and I never looked back.

I have finally completed my Preliminary Idea and the relief is immense. Now if Erfi can be a huge dear and successfully managed to print it which I shall be incredibly grateful for, everything would be perfect.

Well not exactly perfect, but pretty close I am sure. I would not know perfect if it came up and told me a knock knock joke.

but god it just feels so good.

2009-05-06T21:14:00.003+08:00

If I told you that you were right, would you leave your life behind? Run away with me. Grab my hand and take me with you to a place far away now, so far noone can catch us. Barefoot sand sifting through our toes as we leap across time your fingers laced in mine and your eyes gripping in their intensity. Take me away. Laugh and fly. Arch your neck and look at the sky, so big and open and full of possibilities that it breaks your soul. But we will be there together. Yes we will. Because you will take me with you. Colours flow out and seep through our souls, shimmering in their brilliance. So say you will. Say you will take me. Because I have taken you.

and make everything okay.

2009-05-03T18:47:00.002+08:00

Syafiqah's List of 10 Random Thoughts:

10. School tomorrow. There goes my attempt of making like a normal human being and getting adequate sleep every night.
9. I love Economics lectures though. Really I do. They are an eye-opening experience.
8. Must get around to watching Wolverine. Every wife must watch her husband in action.
7. Nick Pitera's voice is strangely really sexy.
6. Planning to dominate the world, one ignorant mind at a time, using toothpicks and hedge clippers.
5. What should I get for my mother for Mother's Day? Crap crap crap. I love my mom a million cherry tomatoes, but I cannot possibly get her that.
4. Sometimes I read my blog and feel like I am reading about someone else's very odd life.
3. I cannot believe I updated the Economics blog. Yay me!
2. I am so hungry right now. I think I shall go eat my brother's birthday cake. Mmm cake..
1. I miss the good old days when I was naive and rest of the world seemed more sweet than bitter.

People drive me insane. The more I get to know people the more it seems like everyone really is as simple as a stereotype or as basic and plain as the cover of a book. I feel like it is literally impossible to meet someone who is not a complete coward, or whose mind is not completely shrouded in ignorance.

do not breathe on me.

2009-05-01T20:31:00.002+08:00

Today I am going to blog about swine flu.
However, I am not going to talk about the mechanisms behind how it occurred, or how we Singaporeans must now go through a seven step routine to wash our hands.

Remember when SARS came out, Singapore had a SARS jingle, and everyone got free thermometers, and people in China wore bras over their mouths in an effort to make mask wearing appear somewhat cool, if not strangely perverse?
Well imagine blowing up that emergency to twice or more its proportion. That is what we might potentially face.

Like I said, I am not going to blog about the actual swine flu per se, but instead about our reaction towards this. Because that is infinitely more interesting.

When the flu first came out, noone was all that panicked. I was not. Perhaps it was complacence on my part, but the fact that it was a flu that came from pigs gave me some measure of relief. Yes, I shamefully admit. However, the fact that it can maybe transfer from human to human woke me up real quick.

I find it odd how everyone is hoping school would be closed for a month because of the outbreak. I admit, the idea is somewhat appealing to be me too; one month of no school? Golly geez.
Plain oversight on my part again. Let us weigh the pros and cons.

Pros of closing school:
No lessons.

Cons of closing school:
No school = inexistent social life.
No school = everyone has to stay at home = vegetation.
Closing of schools = swine flu has reached Singapore = people are dying.
E Learning = obsessive teachers with excessive homework.

Yes, closing of school is brilliant alright.

You know, it is during times of crisis like this when you can truly see human nature at its best, and worst. You see all the people rally together to fight the virus, then you see the selfish people who buy every single mask they can find on the pharmeceutical shelves. You see countries bond to stop the virus from spreading, then you have people who travel regardless of the dangers they may pose to others because they simply refuse to care.

Essentially we humans hate having anything beyond their control. An epidemic like swine flu is just that. We have no cure, not prevention, no indications. It just hits. And until it goes away, we just have to wait the storm out, and pick up the pieces from there. We did it before during the SARS outbreak, and I am pretty sure we can do it again.

we will fall together.

2009-04-28T22:18:00.002+08:00

Because in life things just keep getting better.

My grandmother just got sent to the hospital. I do not know how to feel right now. Sort of numb I guess. I am so scared for her, I do not know what to do what to say how to react but yet. But yet. Everything is getting lumped together and in the midst of the panic I thought of what homework I had to do and felt so low. Because you do not think of homework when your grandmother is being admitted in the hospital but life is shit so I did.

Comic relief when the ambulance people came in yellow scrubs with masks. My mother was commenting on it and the guy was like yeah because of the flu we have to take precautions. So they had to take my grandmother's blood sample and when they pricked her finger I felt like crying. And when she went off she looked so scared and helpless and I wished I could tell her that everything would be alright but I could not because I was not sure myself if it would be alright. I was scared and helpless too.

I really hope she will be okay. Please God let her be okay. Please.

maybe, you're going to be that one that saves me.

2009-04-26T10:50:00.002+08:00

Swim with fishes, fly through clouds. Let yourself go let yourself go. Find a place in your mind stand alone in your eyes release breathe. Make yourself over and shout. Scream and cry and rant but do not snap. DO NOT SNAP. Lose yourself and drown your soul. So close, almost there. Almost, yet not quite. Read laugh love. Help is on the way. Your masquerade will be over soon.

This song freaked the heck out of me. But I shall love the book to death regardless.

I have decided I love the idea of studying Literature, but actually doing it is another matter entirely. Sort of like wanting to bungee jump before I die. It sounds all good and alright in my head, not to mention relatively more sane. To put it in practice, however, requires a shitload of guts that I do not have. Ergo, studying Literature is really bollocks. All the complicated ways of psychoanalyzing and stuff. My brain is totally and completely shagged.

On a brighter note, there is no brighter note!
I have to complete my Preliminary Idea 3.0, because I am revamping it again for the umpteenth time. Project Work is giving me such a mind fuck, I kid you not. God help me.

I realized I have been praying to God a lot these days. And it is not even for catastrophic things like praying for a cure for cancer or an end to world poverty. No, I pray for trivial things like passing my Economics test and completing my homework on time. What in the world, Syafiqah.

pop music will never be low brow.

2009-04-18T15:32:00.006+08:00

fatigue + bad eating habits = gastric flu ):

If I had a glorious tail and a life swimming among the beautiful fishes and watching the world from underwater, seeing the sky so big it breaks your soul, I would never give up my tail for a mere human male. For why give up all you have for a life you are not meant to have in the first place? GOD HAVE SOME PRIDE SWEETHEART.

If all of life is a stage, and men and women merely players, then I want the curtains to be drawn right, about
now.
I am trying really hard to keep my time distributed normally among everything but things are piling up and piling up and smothering the life out of me. It is hard enough coping with this whole new phase in my life, the negative externalities that is constantly getting in the way is bugging the crap out of me.

One of these days I am going to elastic rebound right back. And the resultant quake will not be pretty.

"What if I don't want to be me?"
"Well honey, you sure as hell can't be me."

sprinkle sheepish watermelon in a land far from home.

2009-04-15T21:27:00.002+08:00

Today something really horrible happened.

It all started when I went to Giant to get some stuff. So after dwindling around the aisles, because I like to window shop, even if it means looking at instant noodles imported from Thailand or pots and pans going for $68.99! Anyway, after paying for my stuff, I put the items in my bag while grasping my wallet in one hand. As I strolled out of Giant, I decided to stop at the washroom for a quick pit stop first. Ten minutes later, I emerged, and made my way to the travelator to go back down, with intentions of going home. Down I went, thinking of what my mother must have cooked, and what homework I had to do.

Suddenly I discovered my wallet was not with me anymore.

*cue HUGE PANIC ATTACK*

Being the extremely paranoid person that I am, I started hyperventilating and I did not know what to do because I never lost my wallet before and oh my god HOW CAN I GO HOME I HAD NO MONEY and all my important stuff was in my wallet and shit I am so dead.

I was alone, in Giant, with no money, in the middle of the night, with no way to get home, and getting stared at by foreign workers.

I called my mother, and stupidly, began to burst into tears. She tried to calm me down but I was so panicked already. These were the stuff inside my wallet:

1. My Identity Card
2. My ATM Card
3. My library card
4. My brand spanking new EZ Link card
5. About $20
6. One transparent plaster
7. My Michael Phelps and Twilight picture
8. Some other crap

So there I was, in the middle of housewife central, crying my eyes out because I lost my beautiful Dorothy Perkins wallet. My mom told me to cab home and I said but I have to report my lost IC because what if some foreign person uses my card to borrow library books and Video Ezy movies? And I was devastated at the thought of never seeing that Michael Phelps picture again. And what about strangers looking at my IC? God I do not even allow some people I know to see it. And damn I love that wallet. My mom said in that case why don't we go to the police station. I was not sure if that was standard procedure for people who lose their wallets at Giant but I was too shitfaced so I said alright.

Start pacing the linoleum floor. Breathe Syafiqah breathe. Tears were streaming down my cheeks incessantly and I could not stop it because it was like a freaking dam that never ran out. People were staring and I did not give a shit because what did you do when you were stranded? You do not care what people think. I just wanted to go home.

It was really dark outside. There were hardly any vehicles. I was not sure if I could get a taxi, and that made me panic even more. The first cab I tried to flag down just drove past. Getting angsty. Heart pounding, pulse racing. I never felt so alone then I did at that exact moment, when I was trying to get a fucking cab and there was absolutely no one I knew that can help convince me that things were going to be alright.

Finally, finally. My guardian angel, in his Comfort Delgro glory.
Cab driver: I hope you don't mind, the air con not working.
Me: (boy things just keep getting better) *sniffling* Oh it's okay.

All the way to the police station, I was thinking about how bloody stupid I was. Who leaves their wallets in Giant washrooms? Obviously you will never get it back. I felt so horrible.
My angel was so sweet, he gave me a discount on the ride. My mom paid him and in we went into the police station.

It was relatively quiet. No crimes tonight. We approached the counter. The police inspector lady must have thought I got raped or something, judging on my tear streaked face. Quite taken aback when my mom said I just lost my wallet. I had to write down all my details and what I lost and the type of wallet. I had to spell out Dorothy Perkins. All the while wondering what the fuck I got myself into.

The police station has this cool creed that says they vow to answer 999 calls within ten seconds.

My dad came down too, and that was when I started feeling really shitty. I mean, I am sixteen and I lost my wallet so stupidly, and had to drag my parents to the police station. How completely irreponsible of me. You can stop laughing at my crap misfortune now.

On the way home, I was thinking of alot of things.
Like how it felt being alone by the road in the middle of the night, hands gripping my phone tightly to my ears calling, wishing for someone to talk to me and tell me it was going to be alright, but no one answers, when you need people no one is there DAMNIT, and you know it is no point calling but after a while you call anyway because even the ringing of the phone is comfort, because it distracts you mind from thinking of the worst.

And when I got home, when I got home I saw my wallet wedged between the bars of my gate, sans $20 and one transparent plaster.

another frequency, another time.

2009-04-12T12:09:00.007+08:00

"You teach me now how cruel you've been — cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you — they'll damn you. You loved me — then what right had you to leave me? What right — answer me — for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart — you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me, that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you——oh, God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave?"

P.S: If you have not watched my Reflections of A Skyline video, despite my countless encouragements to do so, refrain from telling me lest you would be deemed a philistine forever in my eyes. Yes you, favourite boy of mine.

how many acres, how much light?

2009-04-10T11:21:00.007+08:00

Here's introducing some of the many unorthodox people I spend my Meridian life with.Crazy bunch of people here.Nizam the ever camwhore and Ranice Tan Pan Ying. (:

Tam Me Ranice Connie!

Taking pictures with water bombs on fake grass.

This is part of the crazy gang of cam whores I look forward to seeing everyday.Khairiah, my saxy (get it?) partner in crime.Two of the biggest guy bitches I know. Let us pretend the picture is blurred to protect their identity.Soleil Ma-honey and Danny Bitch. :DYes we take pictures even as we attempt to do homework.My Cavies darlings.Love these whacked people.Namira Nasir, a saint who puts up with my fluctuating moods and has stuck with me through much of The Meridian Transition. Love you sweetheart. (:

the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i ever had.

2009-04-09T22:47:00.004+08:00

The week is technically over. Technically because the official academic part is over. Yet technically also because I have school on Saturday. Besides, the week is never really over until Sunday. Nonetheless I shall revel in the freedom of Friday. Because freedom is something beyond priceless, I see that now.

This week has been alright. I felt my lowest and highest, damn but the gulf was huge. Something tells me this is not the worst of it. This is far from the worst of it.
I feel like I need to say something but now it feels like something I would like to keep to myself for a little while more. Maybe than I can lessen the feeling of having sold my soul. Because I still have part of it. I still have part of me.

You know I find it mildly amusing now how people can say that Junior College is merely an extension of secondary school. Honey if you think that is true you have obviously never been in Junior College. Granted, it is true to a certain extent, in terms of curriculum and attire. Yet the atmosphere is quite a culture shock. One I still find myself grappling with now.
Well. It is a very, very mad world.

monetize is not a real word.

2009-04-06T14:57:00.003+08:00

I suddenly realised something.

It really does not matter what you do now, or how hard you work, or how well you score. Because in the end we are all going in circles.

You are born You live you work you die.

So when you think of it that way, is school really that important? Maybe we should all be going to religious lessons to prepare ourselves for the afterlife. Is having a job really so essential? Perhaps we should relish the time we have to live before we waste it away on something that sucks our very soul prematurely. And is being loved necessary? Because when we die.. when we die, we die alone.

On a brghter note, my mother seems to be in love with Mat jokes. The other day she was telling me one.

Mother: Syafiqah, banyak-banyak mat, mat apa yang ada wawasan? (Of all the mats, which mat has vision?)
Me: Uh. None?
Mother: Mat Lamat! (Vision! Literally, I kid you not.)
Me: Okay.. *thinks* Banyak-banyak mat, mat apa yang dah takde lagi? (Of all the mats, which mat does not exist anymore?)
Mother: *shrugs*
Me: *with flourish* Mat I! (Die!)
Mother: ...

a little bit less hopeless.

2009-04-02T17:22:00.002+08:00

"And also we've done it--the wild love thing. So I feel like I need him to put me back together every night. After his kisses and hugs it feels like without them my body will fall apart into pieces."

1. CONGRATULATIONS MY BELOVED CRESTWINDS! You made us all (especially me) so freaking proud, you managed to get something we could not; a silver for SYF. I LOVE YOU GUYS. (:

2. Yes I have not updated. I was under the pretense that if I did not update more people will be forced to watch the Reflections of A Skyline video, because it is truly beautiful. I am planning to dominate your minds, one YouTube video at a time.

3. Okay that was a lie. Yes I wanted to you watch the video (if you have not then your loss) but I have also been swamped with a shitload of work (where have I heard that line before). So I am sorry my darling blog readers. I shall try valiantly to update you on the fascinating details of my life more regularly.

4. I have an Economics Test tomorrow. ):

5. "Tell me a knock knock joke!"
"Okay, knock knock."
"I don't want to buy."
- Erfi.

6. I should go and study for said Economics test now.

why stop dreaming when you wake up?

2009-03-26T19:29:00.004+08:00

"She was the girl in the fairy tale sleeping in a prison of thorns and roses.
She was suffocated by roses no one else saw- only their shadows showed on her lips and around her eyes."

I cut myself today.
It was the sort of cut that you have idea how you get, when you suddenly glance at your wrist and notice it is bleeding and wonder where you got that, and then you think maybe it is just your body's way of releasing all the pent up bad stuff, which is scary and untrue but an explanation nonetheless.

Today I felt lost in things I once felt was familiar, and happiness in the inconsequential things. Those things that never seemed to matter before but suddenly means the world because it is only thing making you happy. The odd ambivalence of feeling crushed, yet light headed at the same time. Maybe one day I will look back on this period in my life and think I am being too dramatic. That this all-too-real, too-much-for-me-to-digest feeling is just in my mind. And that I can pull through and make all this fucking shit worthwhile.

Maybe one day I will fly. You'll see.

And tell you about the tree angel
The enchanted forest boy
Who flew across the ocean
Because he loved you.
This video made me cry so hard. It seems stupid.. no, it is not stupid.
But now I feel like I have burst a dam and there is nothing I can do anymore because the damage has been done.

(Band camp starts tomorrow. Maybe I will update when I get back.)

once upon a lover.

2009-03-25T16:10:00.003+08:00

Hello everybody.
Today I made my IVLE look more friendly by changing the welcome address to something more familiar.
School has started and it feels as if we never had any holiday. Everything is falling into exactly how it used to be and I feel really stifled. It is hard to keep up with everything and sometimes I wish things could go in slow motion but that is impossible and so we have no choice but to keep up or be left behind. Things have not even begun to get harder but everything is accumulating and maybe I am not strong enough to face all this but this is a decision that I have made so I have to stick with it.

My brother is being really irritating, he is singing while doing his homework and I feel like shooting him.
My mother is asking my grandmother what she wants to eat and she is repeating it a thousand times because my grandmother is hard of hearing, it is quite funny.

Which remind me of one time I was studying in my grandmother's room to keep her company, and she kept talking!
Grandmother: Awak! (You!)
Me: *nods because I was doing binomial distribution*
Grandmother: Awak tidur sini eh? (You sleep here eh?)
Me: *shakes head because I slept in another room*
Grandmother: Habis tu takde orang tidur sini? (Then noone sleep here?)
Me: *walks over to her bed because I was getting mildly irritated* Kan Sakinah tidur same nenek. (Sakinah (my sister) sleeps with you right.)
Grandmother: Oh. (Oh.)
*two minutes pass*
Grandmother: Awak! Kat sini takde orang tidur eh?
Me: ...
I love my grandmother, really I do.

I love this video. It is one of the most insightful and clever videos ever.
We were shown this during the first Project Work lecture.
Speaking of project work, I am having a hard time deciding what I should choose.
Emergency or Conservation.
Both seem equally..well. Hard. I bet Andrew Bravener would have an answer.

P.S: If I do not get to see my Hulabagi girls once more before half jet off to new lives in Polytechnics, I will shoot something.

i kill superheroes.

2009-03-20T19:42:00.004+08:00

Today is a Good Day.
Everything fell into place somehow, and it makes me Happy.

This is of every summer we have ever had. Of hot rooftops at midnight and the cold cold water that travels down your throat. This is the way it feels to wait for something to happen and then you start to realise that it is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN DAMNIT, this is the way it feels when you watch broken promises fade away and proceed to nurse your wounds in silence.

This is how it feels to go to school every morning. This is how it feels when you are trying to make sense of Economics lectures. This is how you feel when you see old friends and wonder if maybe they are not your friends anymore. This is how it feels when you discover new things that you are better off not knowing. This is how it feels when you see other people walking around blankly like you are thinking This is where we are going; the edge of nowhere.

This is how it feels when you pick out which carton to buy, this is how it feels looking at mango, or vanilla, or raspberry, this is how it feels when you cannot breathe because you know things are going to begin now, this is how it feels when you know you're going to leave your life behind in

five.

happy saint patrick's.

2009-03-17T19:27:00.003+08:00

Today I went out with Maryam and Namira. As Namira would say, it was "three quarters of a treasure." The other quarter is bound and gagged in Malaysia.
Typical Hulabagi fashion, weird things happened. The oddest would be when the guy from Topshop hit on Maryam, through this other Topshop worker. The collest bit was that she got to use his 30% staff discount, so instead of paying $85 she paid $59. I am pretty sure that is against the rules of staff discountation, but what the hell. That is a lot of money saved. Maryam is too pretty already.(:
I have band tomorrow.
Plus a shitload of homework that I never seemed to get around to doing.
You know, when I got into Junior College, I told myself that I would work hard and study as if the A Levels were tomorrow and be a social hermit and go home on time everyday.
I must be getting used to broken promises.

Happy post soon, I think. I feel the clouds going away.

beautiful boys and goat girls.

2009-03-15T16:39:00.005+08:00

"...'Sometimes our Jah-Love friends fool us,' she said. 'We think we've found them and then they're just not the one. They look right and sound right and play the right instrument, even, but they're just not who we are looking for.'"

It is the holidays again. Oh joy.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment.. you never gave up hope."

Why am I feeling so out of sorts today. I should be channeling all the excess teen angst into fuelling my writing.

What would you write about for an essay entitled "Teen Life"?

I cannot do this. It is too general, too superficial, too.. too close to home.
This is the reason why I hate holidays. There is suddenly this influx of time and you are not really sure what to do with all of it so you think. And when you think everything ugly starts coming up to the surface.

P.S: You know something is wrong in the world when there are riots at Top Model auditions.

this will destroy you.

2009-03-12T19:45:00.005+08:00

Andrew Bravener makes me feel like pitching down from space and falling head first into love.

Today I learnt how to do screenshots. Yes, because I am an Internet philistine, I do not know how to do screenshots.

It started with Jonathan asking me to help him screenshot the General Paper quiz on IVLE (which I completely forgot about). I had no idea how to do screenshots, but I wanted to help so I said okay. Of course then I started panicking because I really did not know how to do a bloody screenshot.

And then came Xuan Jie, my knight in technological glory!
(Italics are my thought processes.)

[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
eh how to take screenshot uh?!
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
!!!!!!!!
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
press screenshot?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
where!!
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
print screen?
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
can find?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
NO I CAN'T/ (hyperventilating at my stupidity)
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
can u find scroll lock?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
huh
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
are u using pc or laptop?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
laptop
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
fi i am nt wrg
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
can u find insert?
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
*if
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
yes
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
was is with it?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
prt sc (you would think I realised now...)
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
duh
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
print screen
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
lol
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
then do what!!! (you thought wrong.)
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
can u find function?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
what function? (Boy am I DUMB.)
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
Fn
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
yes..
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
press FN+insert
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
without letting go Fn
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
OHMYGOD. (I SAW THE LIGHT. THERE IS A GOD. )
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
how can u nt noe?
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
THANKYOU XUANJIE!
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
np
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
i am using a pc
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
and i can remember
lXJl A new Volleyballer says:
lol
[c=19]syafiqah; cereal killer.[/c] says:
HAHA OHMYGOD I AM SUCH A PHILISTINE. (no kidding)

I swear that boy is a gem.
I know I probably sounded really blockheaded for you tech savvy people out there, and I apologize for my extreme not-knowing-how-to-screenshotness. I never had a reason to screenshot anything before.
My first screenshot ever.

Stay tuned for my next post, in which I attempt to tackle the Scr Lk.

P.S: Check this out! 4/6 memories.(:

but i was born to fly.

2009-03-10T21:48:00.004+08:00

Just a quick update on how things are faring so far in my life.

1. I cannot log on to Messenger, hence the not-being-online for a very long time. I have to re-install my MSN (read: technological breakdown two weeks ago) and have no idea how to go about doing it because I am an Internet philistine.

2. I have had several tests over the course of two weeks and I have not fared very well. To put it really mildly.

3. I have collected my School Graduation Certificate today (!) and it is so sleek and super cool, I feel like quitting school and applying for a job just so I can put it to good use.

Life has been very routine. Have I said this before? I think I have, but I really cannot stress this enough. My life has become so routine. It is just going to school, going home, sleep. I feel like such a shell of a human being. Is our sole purpose in life just to study? Should there not be more to life? We are on a road of endless boredom, and if I know that why am I still on it. I need excitement. I think I am going to fall asleep. I sound really whiny. This is unfair, my life is great, really it is. I just wish there was more to look forward to.

These days the only outlet for my clamouring creativity (or lack thereof) is through writing my stories. There are two flaws in this:

a. They are not all that good.

b. I hardly have time to write any more these days.

I am supposed to be studying for my Geography test. Syafiqah oh Syafiqah, how to pass A Levels like this?

pictures from sleepless town.

2009-03-07T14:33:00.004+08:00

READ THE POST BEFORE THIS ONE!

so the waters i will test.

2009-03-07T11:13:00.006+08:00

This is a little embarrassing to admit, but while Maryam and Namira are having stellar records of 700 and 300 posts respectively, this is my.. 50th post.

So I am supposed to do my volcanoes assignment right now but I want to talk about something awesome first.
Yesterday I went for my first official musical ever, Sleepless Town. I would say this is the first because the only other one I remember going to is The Emperor's New Clothes in Primary Four, which was so bogus. Anyway, Mr Low suggested we go for Sleepless Town and the tickets were priced at $28, quite reasonable. Most of the people from my class went, as well as a bunch of Drama Club and J2 people and random Geography teachers. At first I was a little dubious at the prospect of watching a Singaporean production. How good can it get? You will have to understand that the only other reference I had was The Emperor's New Clothes, which is not saying much. I did not know what Sleepless Town was even going to be about. I figured whatever it is, the company is bound to make it worthwhile, right? Right?

Well the company was fantastic. Met up with the Pasir Ris people first because the show was in Bugis, at the Drama Centre in the National Library. We had concocted an elaborate plan to surprise Erfi for his birthday (which is tomorrow) prior to the show, so when we got out of the train, Nizam wrapped his scarf around Erfi blindfold style, and Ranice hung this sign that said "Birthday Boy" around his neck. Then led him out through the curious throng of people and met with Suhaidah, who had the cake. It was, epic. Not to mention super funny, and attention grabbing because we were singing the Birthday Song in front of BHG.

Following the impromptu celebration, we headed to the Drama Centre after meeting the rest. Skipping all the great bits in between till the actual heading into the theater. I must say the place is really very wonderful. Everyone was really excited but I doubt at that point it was about the actual musical. Note that at this point, I still did not know what the show would be about, beyond the Sleepless Town bit. I know, philistine right. Anyway, Siddiq was my date for the night, so we headed into the theater and sat down and got ready to see show.

(The rest of this will be ramblings about how great Sleepless Town was. Brace yourself for excessive use of aptly placed adjectives. You have been warned.)

The first scene just grabs at you, and it was gripping from then on. Basically the show was about this town, aptly named Sleepless Town, because the wicked bitch of a queen, The Black Azira, has been stealing the dreams of the children to attain immortality. The lead, Nora, has to get the help of three superheroes (two of which are gay) to save the town. The scenes are so dynamic, and I love how the script is so witty and politically incorrect. The representation of Hitler and Osama as criminals in the town is brilliant, and the Amy Winehouse as a rehab counsellor was classic.

I loved how the heroes are gay with super bright sparkly tight pants, or like the Incredible (Bulk) Hulk that just makes you want to hug him and tell him everything is alright. I loved how the casts were so liberal with their words (multiple Fucks) and actions (think Panic at the Disco "Build God then We Talk", and times that by five). Like I said, the script was super witty and the lines are so freaking wonderful, I struggle to remember my favourites. The set was beautiful, the paintings were perfect. And when they said the content was only suitable for a mature audience, boy were they right. The porno mime was crazy.

I loved how there were devastating scenes like when Nora was being raped by her mother's boyfriend, that god damned son of a bitch. And I loved how he got shot by her mother. I cried when Nora met her father, it was such a beautiful scene. And I especially adored how the show did not have a complete happy ending that makes you go "Oh, what a predictable sappy story" but instead ended with Nora sacrificing herself for Sleepless Town.

My favourite character has got to be Aristotle the philosopher, because he is so funny! Yet so sweet. I love Aristotle. I have to say that Nora was freaking stellar, her voice was indescribable.

This musical has really changed my views about Singaporean productions. Most certainly, Toy Factory does not fit into the common stereotypes of Singaporean drama production houses. They are so liberal and non-conforming and politically incorrect, yet hilariously so. Mark Richmond has done a fantastic job on the writing, and Don Richmond as the composer. If all shows are going to be this amazing, I want to go to every single one of them.

This is Nora, played by Julia Abueva.

And the classic first scene, the guy with the junk on his back is Aristotle, played by Mark Richmond. Listen carefully, while watching closely and you will see a little of the porno mime I mentioned. There was a shitload of what happened at 1:35.

worst things happen at sea.

2009-03-02T19:07:00.006+08:00

Presenting my lovely class, 09A302.
This eyebrowless shot is more politically correct is you do not know the story behind it.
And who could resist this shot of Nizam the Ever Ready Cam Whore.
I have my Internet back, after about a decade of waiting.
Unfortunately, my entire laptop got wiped out, totally and fucking completely. Everything that was once there is now gone. My documents, my pictures, my beloved beloved pictures of Hulabagi and secondary school days that I can never get back.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I should let go of my past memories and move on. BUT WHAT IF I DO NOT WANT TO, HUH HUH? I like dwelling on the past and feeling all miserable and stuff.
Nevermind. The good thing about memories is that you can make new ones. And the ones that really matter, they never go away.

School has been going swellingly academic lately. Assignments have been piling up faster than I can get them done, but that has pretty much been the case because I am a schmuck. The workload has been manageable, the only problem I seem to have is with time. Or the lack thereof. For the first time ever, I wish we had more hours in a day. There is no time. There never seems to be any time.

I am starting to know more and more people in school and it is nice. Everyone is nice. Of course I am not sure if they remember my name, maybe they are thinking "Hmm I know her face, but what was her name again?" or worse, "Hey who the hell is this girl and why is she talking to me?". Highly probable. Still. I like to meet new people. I like people. Sometimes situations make me feel like an anthropologist, like I am looking at things from a separate perspective, and it is weird. But I like weird.

I think my mother does not like me going to junior college. She likes it, but yet she does not. The reasons for her to like it is glaringly obvious. I am starting to think she does not like me going to junior college because the workload is somewhat overwhelming, as she gathered from the Parents' Orientation last Saturday. Plus I get really tired when I get home and my temper gets very frayed and I snap alot at everyone. I do not like it either. I do not like how school is making me less patient, and more hurried. More tempermental, almost. But not nearly enough to make me want to stab my lecturers in a fit of NTU-esque anger.

I am starting to wonder if choosing band was the right choice. The standard is astromical compared to Crestwinds. It is almost like playing Beethoven as opposed to the Mary Had A Little Lamb I was used to playing. I am willing to try hard, if it is worth it. It requires a shitload of effort to get myself to the standard I am expected to be at if I want to be in SYF. I guess only time can tell if I am good enough.

I miss the days when I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Yet, I am not sure if I want to experience them again. I do not know what I want.

of angel whores and plate tectonics.

2009-02-24T15:52:00.003+08:00

Yes, I have been a bad blogger lately because of the hideous lack of updates, but that is to be attributed by the facts that 1. I have been swamped with a shitload of work and 2. My Internet bailed on me. So now I am using the school's computer to blog! At first I felt really apprehensive because I thought everyone would be studying and stuff, but then I saw someone on Facebook and felt better. But just in case, I kept a second window open with the page on a search for apples, because I am classy like that.

Anyway. I am starting to love life in junior college because everything is becoming routine and I like routines. Lectures have been mundane but what to do. Tutorials are more exciting. And it helps heaps when my class people keep things interesting, or Namira would have to bring me out in a body bag everyday.

Enough about that.

Last Friday I met up with my Hulabagi ladies! I miss Maryam and Siska so much. Maryam looked gorgeous and Siska's fringe was rocking awesome. Seeing us four all together makes me feel nostalgic for the past when we meet everyday after school for instant noodles.
For pictures please divert yourselves to the Hulabagi blog.

I should probably blog about something more substantial, seeing as to how this is my great comeback after a week of non-blogging activity. However, I cannot seem to muster up any enthusiasm to conjure up anything particularly funny or witty, so there. I will do better next time I think.

Oh, Dr Saradetch said something that I found was really cool today.
"There is what you say, there is what I say, and then there is the truth."
I am fairly certain I had it wrong, but the gist is there.
I adore Literature now.

P.S: I am in band. Yes, it surprised me too.
P.P.S: I am uneasy as hell, but whatever. This is how life works. Your building falls down, you build it up again twice as strong. This is good. This will be good. I just cannot tell yet. It is too early to tell if it is good. But it will be.
And besides. Six fucking billion people in the world, one of them is not going to ruin it for me.

uh oh, the literature in me is all consuming.

2009-02-17T18:37:00.003+08:00

Today was one of those days where I found light where I would not think to look for it, and joy in moments that usually are irrelevant to me. I also found nostalgia in the form of a dark video where little could be seen, but much could be heard. Turkish conversations and bewildered monologues that seemed to be conveying something more than intended. And indulging in my senses as the night grew darker and quieter. The wood floors and my bare feet echoed a sad and simple truth about my life.

I discover something new about myself. And I lose interest in what once seemed so important. My emotions become vague and lavishly exaggerated. I long for something that is momentarily absent and is never filling. Never quite.

Talk and dreams of hot summer nights on the road and away from any conventional thinking. I find myself anticipating and impatient. While other fantasizes conquer me in my sleep, I watch you again and again behind my eye lids. This aggression has grown into its own form. I am losing myself, and becoming more than what I am.

Too much talk of politics, and I am left feeling isolated. The soil is pulling me down and keeping me up, instantaneously. But making my existence difficult, as the sun rises on the other side. I am left only to wonder and wait. Wonder, wait.

And I have kept my mouth shut up until now. I have remained silent about your presence and your ignorance. I have no choice but to continue doing so. I want you to know, how difficult it is for me to not ridicule you. And how if it were not for the grace of God, I would have made a fool out of us a both.

You can take my words as fact or fiction because you do not trust me anyway. It is meaningless to inform you of anything if you cannot even listen.

Tribute to Andrew Bravener, my favourite Youtuber of all time.

High quality to save Darfur victims.
I love Andrew Bravener, he makes me happy.(:

if cupid's got a gun, then he's shooting.

2009-02-14T11:32:00.008+08:00

To my one of my very bestfriends, Namira Binte Abdul Nasir,and this weird kid, Ammar Zafran Bin Zulkifli,Happy Three Months! Hope you guys last for many many months to come.

To my wonderful parents, Happy 22nd Year Anniversary! Thank you for getting married on Valentine's Day, thereafter ruining every chance I have of having a date on this day because I have to spend it with the family. I love you both. (:

Valentine's Day in Meridian is being referred to as Friendship Day. Probably because they figured there would be excessive amounts of affection thrown everywhere and hence have to cover it up by saying it is a day for friendship. Anyway, it was a blast and I have enough candy to make me feel like a kid on Halloween. Following pictures were ripped off Erfi's Facebook album, He Who Google-Stalks.

The cute glasses were a gift from Matthew. "Be cool, like me!" As you can see, we absolutely love it. And yes, those are sugar packets on our uniforms. Got to love novelty gifts. Like Ranice's heart shaped ice cubes, and stickers saying "You made my heart melt."

Braiding the hair of girls in my class till my fingers were numb. I remember when I used to braid Siska's hair outside class..

Practically rolling on the floor with laughter at this shot.

"Well that's what I'm here for. To give you all the faith in the world."

noah and the whale.

2009-02-11T19:32:00.005+08:00

BOY OH BOY OH BOY.

Life in junior college is starting to shape up to exactly how I thought it would be. Fun, pressurising and stifling. Fun because of all the people that make my day epicly amazing, pressurising because everyone is studying already and I do not understand anything that is going on, stifling because my life seems to be all school and nothing else.

Nevertheless, school is going fine. The people in Meridian are all very nice. You could be standing in queue for food in the canteen and accidentally step on the foot of the person behind you, proceed to apologize and introduce yourself, and voila! A new friend. Everyone is just super friendly. Lectures are extremely fast paced, no time to doodle on my notes anymore. But I am super stoked about my Women In Literature, because it is awesome. I have yet to do some reading up on my own, I really have to get started on that lest I get left behind. I have to get my mind out of the gutter and conform to the whole studying thing again.

As for CCA, you will never guess what I placed as my first choice.

Yes, band.

Surprising, I know. I just figured I might as well continue band to feel more cultured and less like a philistine. And at least I would be in my element. Plus the people are very smiley.

This is the bit where I veer off-track with several photographs from the Mass Meridian Monopoly, courtesy of Roxanne.

P.S: Today I listened to Alexisonfire and I fell in love.

atlas warriors!

2009-02-08T10:55:00.004+08:00

Orientation 2009, "Fortitude", has been freaking amazing.

Friday was Day Two of Orientation. We had our Mass Meridian Monopoly, MMM. Basically we had to run around Singapore in our orientation groups, and I am in Atlas One, one because I am amazing. Anyway, we were supposed to go to certain train stations and when we are there, roll a dice to determine which game station we were supposed to run to first. And along the way we earn money, Edwinas because the OGLs have a wicked sense of humour. When we have completed at least three train stations with at least two game stations at each station, we rush back to school.

Anyway, it was extremely exhausting. Atlas One had to go to Raffles first, followed by Bugis then Somerset. I would not elaborate on every stop because it is bogusly long. Just that it was really funny how we were like running and panting and our hair all over our faces, and tourists were taking pictures. Nevertheless, I had oodles of fun with my group, and the OGLs were really awesome and supportive.

Saturday was the last day of orientation, and we had the Great Meridian Siege! GMS was basically this whole water bomb attack session between all the houses and the"Evil King", so we were supposed to aim to destroy the other houses' structure with the water bombs. And it was so fun because I was on the defense and no one was attacking Atlas so we ended up talking to each other, and then a bomb would suddenly fly past and surprise everyone. And I spoke to Wesley and Chong Keng from White Sands Primary, which was so nostalgically cool ("The word is..DOCTOR!")

The finale was epic. Each house had to make a performance about fortitude, and Atlas made a skit about a baby dragon whose mother died choking on a fish ball and he had to learn how to survive, like how to swim (Triton), how to fly (Callisto), how to breathe fire (Phobos) and how to run fast (Miranda). It was awesome. Everyone gorged on junk food and I felt my arteries clogging up but could not care less because I had coke, my elixir. And in the end everyone did the mass dance/ couple dance and it was exhilarating. When we sang the school song after it was like National Day six months early. And in total, after all the orientation stuff, Atlas won third for all the house challenges!

Firdaus (Atlas house captain) and all the Atlas house committee were all teary eyed because this was the first time in the history of Meridian orientation that Atlas did not get last, which was freaking brilliant. In the hall later with all the Atlases, we did all our thank yous and cheers and sang the graduation song ("As we go on, we remember, all the times we, had together") and it was beyond words.

This has been the best orientation I have ever had.
Thank you Li Ming, Serene, Selena, Er Hao, Yong Joong, Shi Min, for being such amazing orientation group leaders. We would not be as enthusiastic and as spurred on if not for all of your support and guidance.
Thank you Naeem, Ming Yee, Roxanne, Gary, Connie, Ranice, Humayra, Shabrina, Dion, Erfi, Clement, Jonathan, Asyraf, Suhaidah, Jia Yun, Tamanna, for making the whole experience bloody priceless. It would not have been of the same amazingness without any of you guys. Atlas One will forever rock.

Watch in high quality to save the whales.
The guy in yellow is Dominic, Atlas's vice chairperson.

P.S: I am taking Malay now.
P.P.S: I still do not have a graphics calculator.

kambate, kambate, MJ, MJ.

2009-02-05T20:45:00.002+08:00

As you can tell, I am feeling very enthusiastic about Meridian Junior College. Today was the first day of orientation and it was awesome! I woke up thinking "Oh my God today we can finally make friends", followed by "Oh my God class results are out!"

Anyway, I got into what I wanted(!) which is H2 Economics, H2 Literature, H2 Geography and General Paper and Project Work!
Alright, some of you may be going, what about Malay, Syafiqah? Okay this is the bit where I royally screwed up. I did not fill in my Mother Tongue when I applied for a class. Did you get that? I DID NOT FILL IN MY MOTHER TONGUE. So guess what my Mother Tongue stated?
Chinese Language H1.
What the hell.
You can go ahead and laugh now. God knows a million other people already have.
But for those of you who care about my well being, yes I have consulted the General Office people. It was humiliating, but it had to be done.

I was posted to the Atlas house. In Meridian, there is Callisto, Phobo, Triton, Miranda and Atlas. Initally I wanted Callisto because it was nice to say ("Oh, I'm from Callisto") but Atlas is cool too. The people are very enthusiastic, so that is awesome. And my favourite Atlas cheer is the Bananas one. I know, ironic, I hate bananas. But it is just so cute.

My favourite bit of orientation is the mass dance! We had to learn the steps of several short dances, sort of like a medley. The songs are Tokyo Drift, Mambo No.5, Livin' La Vida Loca, some Backstreet Boys song that I forgot the title of ("Backstreet's back, alright!") and Let's Get It Started. And I love it, the moves are amazing, but I suck at it, being naturally uncoordinated and all. And then there is the couples' dance! At first I was really apprehensive, what if I get a lame guy who is a misogynist and drools at random moments? In the end, my pair was this really cool guy named Dion, and he was so funny. We were dancing to "Accidentally in Love" and he kept singing and it left me in stitches. And he was uninhibited, so had no qualms with the holding hands bits, because if he did it would be awkward. Best of all, he did not purposely try to spin me around harshly during the twirling parts.

The other people in my class are really great. The girls are all so nice, and the guys are so easy to talk to. It was almost as if we had known each other forever, because it was so easy to talk to them and be sarcastic and laugh about the same things. I think my class is going to be freaking awesome.

Anyway, tomorrow we have a race around Singapore(?) and that will be exhausting. Saturday is the last day of orientation before Monday, which is when our temporary timetable begins.
And I have not even bought my graphic calculator yet.

Post note that is irrelevant but I want to put it anyway so bite me: Today amidst all the great stuff, something bad happened. I saw someone that made my gut clench in a good way, damn it.

water, earth, air, fire.

2009-02-02T19:32:00.000+08:00

I would blog a long, absurdly lengthy post about how my first day rocked and reeked, but I am absolutely beat and the only reason I am online is actually to update my course registration. Instead I shall point out some finer details of my first day in Meridian Junior College.

1. On this possibly very significant turning point in my life, I was fifteen minutes late in meeting Namira. I will never hear the end of this.

2. I discovered I cannot, by any means, sit still for two hours straight. Most definitely not on harsh hall floor and certainly not while listening to people talk about subjects I do not give a shit about.

3. I made a new friend, her name is Margaret and she is from Broadrick Secondary School and is very nice.

4. I bought my school uniform, only my PE attire is huge and the sleeves are at my elbows.

5. I discovered the school sell instant noodles in vending machines and coca-cola, so Namira can live there. We found a new OUS and called it OUS.

6. I nearly fell asleep in the demonstration lecture for Economics, which does not bode well for my future in the subject at all. And I desperately want to take H2 Literature.

7. Thank God for familiar faces like Alyah and Lynn and Hadi and Adelyn and Shu Ming and the list goes on. Especially for Namira. Without Namira I would have gone insane.

8. My first choice for course registration is H2 Economics, H2 English Literature, H2 Geography and H1 Mathematics, together with General Paper and all the jazz, and I hope to God I can get in. Please please please...

Now I think I will go to sleep. It is only eight o'clock but I feel lethargic like I just ran a marathon. Listening to lecture after lecture really drains you. Two more days of these talks before orientation from Thursday till Saturday, which I hope will be much less dry and oodles more fun.
NO I CANNOT SLEEP YET. I have to watch Avatar, which resumes today. Yes I watch Avatar, bite me.

Oh and I am working on my black cigarette-esque introduction, so wait for it, because it will be cool.

shoes are for dancing, not running away.

2009-01-31T11:41:00.004+08:00

"Do you know when they say soul-mates? Everybody uses it in personal ads. "Soul-mate wanted". It doesn't mean too much now. But soul mates- think about it. When your soul-whatever that is anyway-something so alive when you make music or love and so mysteriously hidden most of the rest of the time, so colorful and big but without color or shape-when your soul finds another soul it can recognize even before the rest of you knows about it. The rest of you just feels sweaty and jumpy at first. And your souls get married without even meaning to-even if you can't be together for some reason in real life, your souls just go ahead and make the wedding plans. A soul's wedding must be too beautiful to even look at. It must be blinding. In must be like all the weddings in the world-gondolas with canopies of doves, champagne glasses shattering, wings of veils, drums beating, flutes and trumpets,showers of roses. And after that happens-that's it, this is it. But sometimes you have to let that person go. When you are little, people , movie and fairy tales all tell you that one day you're going to meet this person. So you keep waiting and it's a lot harder than they make it sound. Then you meet and you think, okay, now we can just get on with it but you find out that sometimes your soul brother partner lover has other ideas about that. "

I know this song from Namira, and without really listening to the lyrics, I thought it was a wonderful song. "You and me against the world.." But when I really really listened to the lyrics and read them carefully, I felt like crying. This was not the beautifully happily empowering song I thought it was, it is sad and beautiful and it hurts listening to it.

"we want the finest wines available to humanity."

2009-01-29T11:19:00.005+08:00

If you have not seen "Withnail and I", you should. I think Will Marwood reminds me of Jack Sparrow. Maybe because he is drunk half the time.

I watched this again because I did not get to see Changeling with the girls yesterday. ):
Apparently there is a huge influx in Chinese movies and Changeling was not showing anywhere. Nevertheless, "Withnail and I" is one of the best films ever so I feel marginally better. And I still had fun with the girls. I swear, we have to organize that Mother's thing. (:

Coming up from here on is meeting up with Raudhah tomorrow which I am really looking forward to because we have not seen each other in ages. And I get to see my band!
Saturday my parents are going to see some Nanyang Technological University convention thing with my sister, so I have to stay home to hold fort.
Sunday I am going shopping with my mother! My mom is one of the cutest people to go shopping with. Because she is so small (million bucks for guessing where my vertically challenged genes come from) she just blends in with the crowd so it is easy to lose her in a sale. And because of the regular brisk walking exercise (and because I have not exercised since the dawn of time*) she walks very fast. And she gets very impatient but secretly she likes that we have to ask her opinion. I love my mom.

I feel suppressed excitement in the "I know something you don't" kind of way. :D

* Technically I have exercised since the dawn of time.

First it was cycling.

Then swimming.

What next?

if you're so smart, tell me why you are still afraid.

2009-01-26T09:52:00.003+08:00

Tagged by Alyah.

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle, For each question, press the next button to get your answer .
2. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW OUTRAGEOUS IT SOUNDS!
3. Tag 20 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘’IS THIS OKAY’’ YOU SAY?
Never Think - Robert Pattinson
Yes, when people ask me if it is okay, I tell them I never think. Really.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Vienna - The Fray
"There's really no way to reach me, cause I'm already gone."

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A BOY?
I Caught Myself - Paramore
I like a guy that does the catching for me.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
You and Me - Lifehouse
Oh my gosh I have not heard this song in so long!

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Sweat The Battle Before The Battle Sweats You - Cute Is What We Aim For
Kooky coincidence.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
America Pie - Don McLean
Aww, really? What.

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
Hot and Cold - Katy Perry
Wow so true. I always think about the fluctuating weather.

WHAT IS 2+2?
Nine in the Afternoon - Panic at The Disco
And this is how I pass Mathematics.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Can You Keep a Secret? - The Cab
Haha, I know you girls can.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Calling On You - Paulson
Really?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
That's What You Get - Paramore
Wow my life story is one encouraging self-help manual.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Nerdy - Poison The Well
Please hold while I die laughing.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Extraordinary - Liz Phair
No this is supposed to be my motto! Stupid iTunes.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
The Man That Can't Be Moved - The Script
This is a sign; they think I am stubborn.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I'll Catch You - The Get Up Kids
Because the one I marry will be the one that catches me.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
I will be remembered for my love of the Man of Melodies.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
La La Land Machine - Demi Lovato
Yes, I like dreaming.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Oh Mother - Christina Aguilera
OH MY GOD. DO YOU COMPREHEND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS SONG.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Let The Flames Begin - Paramore
Why do I have so many Paramore songs.

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Drop in The Ocean - Ron Pope
I will die drowning! I knew it.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Falling Away With You - Muse
Well.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Check Yes Juliet - We The Kings
I love this song.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Nine Crimes - Damien Rice
Funny, it really does make me cry.

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Anchor - Cave In
This one bears no link whatsoever to the question. I think.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Circus - Britney Spears
I love circuses! Hello.

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
Yet another song I have not listened to in ages.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Better In Time - Leona Lewis
I guess that means I will change nothing.

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Non-objective Portrait of Karma - Circle Takes the Square
Wow my music tastes are a-changing.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Wine Red - The Hush Sound
No I will not.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WORTH TO BE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL?
The Difference Between - Circa Survive
The difference between me and a Top Model is five plastic surgeries.

WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF LAST NIGHT?
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
I did not dream last night, actually.

WHATS YOUR BOYFRIEND GOING TO BE LIKE?
Always Be My Baby - David Cook
I can settle for just David Cook.

WHAT WILL YOUR FIRST KISS BE LIKE?
If This Was Killing Me Would You Stop - The Juliana Theory
Haha, if the kiss was killing me he should stop.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
The Curse of Curves - Cute is What We Aim For
What.

HOW DO YOU FIND BARACK OBAMA?
This Ain't a Scene It's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boys
Go Obama.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NOISY WEDDINGS?
Family Tradition - Senses Fail
How wedding-y.

HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF YOUR FRIEND IS GAY?
I Put The Metro In Metronome - Cute Is What We Aim For
Yes, when my friend tells me he is gay, I will be all callous and talk about myself.

DO YOU LOVE HUMAN NATURE?
Make Damn Sure - Taking Back Sunday
That means I am not sure.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BEING RICH?
Pressure - Paramore
Riches can be pressurizing. Just thinking of how to spend all that money fast enough gives me a headache.

HOW WERE YOU BORN?
Love Story - Taylor Swift
That means I was born in a private hospital with a friendly doctor and after only three hours of labour.

HOW WILL YOUR FUTURE LIFE BE LIKE?
Bounce - The Cab
I will be bouncing through the rest of my life.

DO YOU THINK YOU ROCK?
The Warrior - Scandal
Hell yes I am a warrior!

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
Once Upon A December - Liz Callaway
It makes me feel melancholy, actually.

DO YOU LIKE WINNING?
Seven Things - Miley Cyrus
Haha, that means yes, I do.

WHAT KIND OF CAREER WOULD YOU LIKE?
Self-Employed Chemist - Norma Jean
What? No!

DO YOU FEEL LIKE DYING?
Lucky - Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat
No, I do not feel like dying. I feel lucky.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE STOPPING THIS QUIZ?
I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry
And that, my friends, means yes.

P.S: Happy Chinese New Year!
P.P.S: Watch out for the Annular Solar Eclipse of January 26!

well everything's the same

2009-01-23T19:33:00.003+08:00

Today started at eleven, when me and the girls had to meet at Siska's for our swimming thing. Which I was not enthusiastic about, because I did not want to drown and die, get sun burned (because I do not tan, I burn) or get dunked underwater and then drown and die. Yes, I fear water, depths of which are taller than my height. So I can calmly enter a 1.4 metre pool but break into hives at the thought of a 1.8 metre pool.

Anyway, when we met, Namira forgot to bring her Sports Club card so we headed over to her place for her to get it from Hakim. Maryam did not feel "swimmy" but I shall get to that later. We took Bus 5 to get to the SIA Sports Club at Changi because, evidently, Namira is a member there.
This was how we got in.

Guy at reception: How old are you all?
Namira: We are all sixteen.
Siska: (whispering furtively) Seventeen laa!
Namira: (whispering furtively back) Sssh! You want to pay more is it?
Namira thinks like my mother.

Anyway, so the pool was nearly empty, which was really awesome. And there was no lifeguard, which was slightly freaky. There was even a sign, "WARNING: NO LIFEGUARD. Swim at your own risk." Which pretty much means "If you're drowning noone will drag your sorry ass out of the pool." Changed into our swimming attire, cooerced Maryam into swimming and in we went! Well, in they went. I was standing at the sidelines imagining headlines declaring my death in tomorrow's paper. Somehow, they convince me to get into the water. I swear, if you guys were not my best friends, I would walk out and take the next plane to India.

And it was fun! We played Marco Polo, only instead of saying Marco Polo, we said Hulabagi. It went like this:

Siska: Hula?
Maryam, Syafiqah and Namira: (quietly to not give away our position while treading the water carefully) Bagi.
Siska: Hula?
Namira: Bagi! (giggling because Siska was 10 cm away)
Siska: (irritated now) Hula?!
Namira: Bagi (gestures arms wildly, indicating she wanted to get out of the pool)
Maryam and Syafiqah: (stifling laughter)
Siska: (nearly screaming) Hula!
Namira: Bagi!
Maryam and Syafiqah and Namira get out of the pool while Siska treads impatiently.
Siska: Eh Hula!
Maryam and Syafiqah and Namira: Bagi!
Siska opens eyes and looks at us murderously.
Cue hysterical laughter.

And we challenged running from one length of the pool to the other, which was the hardest thing ever. Because how you run in water?! And Siska kept singing "This is real, this is me," and how do you run in water when your laughing so hard? And we played a game of Chop Chilli Chop which, as usual, always ends up in a hilarious disaster, all the more when you play it underwater. And then we held our breaths underwater, which I love, and they competed "How low can you go?". And made poses and danced underwater, before Namira pointed out that people wearing googles can see our actions underwater.

After it all, beat and exhausted, we headed for the changing rooms. And discovered how freaking dark we got! Freaked out about how long it would take for our original skin colour to return. My face felt all hot and my skin was itchy and I knew I was going to have sun burn. I just knew it. Took about a million pictures with Siska's camera (nudge nudge wink wink) and agreed that at least we looked pretty good for girls with tans and chlorinated hair.

Fulfilled our growling stomachs' demands by going to the Banquet at Eastpoint. The drinks there are such a rip off! Honestly, $1.50 for a can of green tea is highway robbery. Ate like we had not eaten for ten days then took a bus back.

All in all, I think this has been a very un-mendak day, so that is good. I would appreciate doing something indoor next time though. Like gym or bowling or the movies. I love you girls. (:

Alright now I am bone tired and any minute I may pitch forward onto my keyboard.

let december glow feel flames.

2009-01-20T12:07:00.004+08:00

I want these! (:

************************
I have something moderately embarrassing to admit. I have never read a Mitch Albom book before. Yes, ever, in my life. I know I should because it is all oozing with poetical and philosophical wisdom, and I really really do want to read his books, really. But I just never seem to get around to it. Like the other day I was in Kinokuniya and was deciding if I should buy a Mitch Albom book, when I saw a new Little Black Dress book from my favourite Little Black Dress author.
Guess which book I bought?
Yes, the Little Black Dress. I am such a whore for chick literature.

how do i look in your skin?

2009-01-19T12:40:00.004+08:00

Hey everybody.
So tomorrow will be Barack Obama's historical inauguration. Ten years ago the inauguration of a Black president in America was unheard of, despite it possibly being the best damn thing that can happen to that "Land of Liberty." Still, I am not going to go on about Barack Obama's presidency, which I am all for and I guess the world would see in the coming years if America has made the right choice and if she can climb out of the hole she has dug for herself.

No, I am going to prattle a little on George Bush's farewell speech. I was watching it on Channel News Asia last Friday and have been meaning to express my opinions on it but I figured it would be wise if I had my thoughts ordered first.

One thing that keeps coming up is the issue of morality, and how Bush brought in "moral clarity" into the government. To which I say, why Mr Bush, if electricity came from electrons, does that mean morality comes from morons? Though in all honesty, Bush's morality comes in the sense that he knows distinctly what he feels is right from wrong. Perhaps his downfall could be trying to impose his opinions of right and wrong on others, because some Americans were uncomfortable with how easily he made his moral jugdements. Right now, with all that is going on with terrorism and unrest, the one thing people fear above all is moral relativism.

"Good and evil exist in the world and between the two there can be no compromise."
Methinks the soon-to-be ex-President doth protests too much.

No doubt there will be much history on the Bush legacy for a long time to come. While I might not be wholly in favour of his administration, some Americans are grateful for his direct talk and firm hand. After all, every president makes moves that people might disagree, and you cannot please everyone. All that is left now is to leave the past in History books and look forward to a bright future with America's new president. (:

On other news, in view of the reccesion, Singapore government may dip into the reserves. For which I have four questions:

1. How much are in the Singapore reserves? This is a moderately irrelevant question and I just wonder because people say Singapore is rich in reserves, so how rich is rich?

2. If we dip into our reserves now, what about in the future if conditions worsen? I know the government officials say that things are likely to lighten up in the second half of 2009, but in the unforeseeable future, how will the reserves be replaced or restocked or re-reserveified?

3. We should be grateful for the strong Singapore dollar, but will it decrease in value if things continue along this rein?

4. Does this mean there will be no Great Singapore Sale in June?!

I really hope the economy picks up again. Frankly I am tired of listening to my parents whining about how expensive chickens are.

All that political talk is giving me a headache. ):
I am not sure where the sudden inspiration to blog a shitload of politics came from. My brain went unused for so long, I fumble when I try to grasp a pen. I need to get out more. I think I want to learn how to cook. I miss studying.

moral freaking clarity.

2009-01-16T10:03:00.013+08:00

These are the four movies I want to watch, preferably really soon.

Movie: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Why: Because I have never heard of people ageing backwards. And that fact that the movie starts off in the 1920s makes it an instant attention grabber for me. It is also heart breaking how Benjamin died as a baby. Plus there is Brad Pitt.

Movie: Changeling
Why: Because it is based on a true story, also in the 1920s. The story of a mother who lost her son and got back a child that was not hers. And Angelina Jolie's acting is so flawlessly brilliant, the trailer sent chills down my spine. And I want to see Jeffrey Donovan on big screen.

Movie: Bride Wars
Why: Because it is funny! Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway have such a cute chemistry together, and the lines are really hilariously witty. "If I were your wedding, I'd be sleeping with one eye open," and "Your wedding will be huge, just like your ass at prom."

Movie: Confessions of a Shopaholic
Why: Because I absolutely adore the Shopaholic series! Rebecca Bloomwood is so funny, and I think Isla Fisher will portray her fantastically, even though she is not British. And there is Hugh Dancy, whom I fell in love with in Ella Enchanted.

oh golly geez.

2009-01-12T20:04:00.008+08:00

Dear God,

I remember praying to You last night, before I went to sleep. I prayed so damn hard, I cannot remember when I last prayed that hard. Maybe when my grandmother first got sick. Anyway, I was sitting cross legged on my bed and looking out my bedroom window and looking at the moon. It was a full moon, and the moonlight was so bright it shone through my closed bedroom window and filtered through the blinds and reflected on my bed. I remembered feeling so small. But not scared. In awe of Your greatness, maybe. Never scared.

I gazed at the moon and prayed that You could hear me amongst all the other prayers. I had never been the most devout person, and I wished that You may look past all that. I was not sure of what I would pray for. Good results. That was a given. I thought about it and thought about it, and finally came to the conclusion that above everything, I wanted to make my parents proud. Somehow if I disapointed myself it was not so bad, but if I disappointed my parents, I would never forgive myself. Never forgive myself for not giving it my all.

So I prayed that I would make my parents proud. I had faith in You, God.

And You did not let me down. In the hall I was still praying and praying, fervently wishing at least one of my prayers would reach You. They must have. You gave me better results than I could have expected. And even better, you gave my bestfriends fantastic results too. I guess You must have heard my prayers.

So thank you, God. Thank you for giving me results that I was proud to bring home to my parents. For results I was proud to have. Thank you for giving my Hulabagi stellar results. Thank you for fulfilling my prayers for all the other people I prayed for. Thank you for making Farreha the top student. Thank you for the donuts my sister brought home for me. Thank you God.

I have faith in myself. I have faith in You. I can do anything now.

Insya Allah.

would you rather eat ten cockroaches or...

2009-01-10T18:13:00.003+08:00

CCA Open House was a blast, if I do say so myself. There were so many seniors like me and I felt like we were in a reunion. Every single teacher we saw had to remind us about Monday, but really, it is the last thing we would forget but it is the first thing I wish I could forget. If I get one more reminder of the results day, I think I will slit my wrists and become a statistic in the ratings of Teenage Suicides Before Results Release. Other than that, it was great fun going back. The band played as well as could be expected and, surprise of the day, I got to see Adam (Rudy?) there. And Mr Shafiee was unbelievably hilarious, he kept disturbing Namira about a certain Zafran (who is so shorter than she is, right? Right?!). And I bet Miss Zaidah misses us all, she just refuses to admit it. Mrs Henry is so stressed, the poor woman. And Mrs Wong was so cute, showing me and Siska a photo she took with Husni and going on about how "handsome" he is. I really miss school, really.

After that, I had to head over to the Community Club to meet my mommy get my Edusave thing. Quick costume change and I am raring to go. Honestly, I feel bloody cheated because for all our efforts to go up the stage, we only got the empty envelope and will only get the cheque and certificate after everything was over. It was because they did not want anyone to just walk off and leave an empty audience for the rest. Which is totally what I would have done, if I were and inconsiderate and impatient Singaporean. Still, I got my money, so I am a happy happy girl.(:

Anyway, I have a new music fixation. Oh shut up, it is really good. He is NeverShoutNever! And I say "he" because it is just one guy, and NeverShoutNever! is his alias. His real name is Christofer Drew Ingle and I think he is really cool because how many seventeen year olds can play the ukelele? And he has a great voice. Plus, he is cute.

"If right, a thief broke into you house and stabbed your sister and mother, who would you save?"

- Siska Ameera.

caught up in the moment.

2009-01-08T09:20:00.003+08:00

So I was watching Channel NewsAsia with my parents yesterday and for some reason they were laughing about some Malaysian thing, and I was looking at the scrolling headlines at the bottom and I saw, "2008 GCE O Level Results to be released on Jan 12." And I started screaming at my parents but they did not see it because they were to busy laughing and the scrolling thing goes very fast. So we waited for the the scrollling thing to scroll to that headline again, waited through all the Sports and World and Stocks headlines, and when it finally appeared I freaked out all over again.
I am not sure why we did not just check TeleText.
Anyway, yes. The end is not near, it is here.

walking dreams.

2009-01-06T11:20:00.008+08:00

I guess, I feel, sort of.

Free.

"There is the relief of finally being alone where no one can take anything from you."

maybe this world is another planet's hell.

2009-01-05T10:19:00.008+08:00

I think people are surprised that I am anal about a trivial thing like a cup. Actually, I am anal about alot of things. I get very particular about the most irrelevant things, but it is relevant to me and that is why I am particular about it. Here are two other, albeit absurd, things that I am anal about.

1. I am extremely anal about my books. Really anal beyond belief. When I read my books I make sure I open them carefully so I do not crease the spine and flip the pages carefully and use a bookmark and all that jazz. When my sister tries to read my books I will shoot her daggers to make sure she does not dare to try opening the book wider than the span of my hand. When I lent Twilight to her friend, for instance, I included a whole set of rules she would have to adhere to ("Please do not break the book's spine, as if you do, I will break yours."). I know it is weird and absurd for why go through so much trouble for a book. I am not sure myself. My books are everything and if they get damaged it is like their value is somewhat diminished.

2. I am anal about my stationary. Alright, this is dumb beyond belief. My stationary has to be the Pilot RexGrip ballpoint pen. It has to be. If it is not I consider it bad luck and I cannot think or write with any other pen. And this is silly because they are somewhat expensive for a ballpoint pen and the ink finishes really fast, but I still love it. It comes in pretty colours and the ink is really smooth. When I use that pen I feel inspiration strike me and I can write anything.

amazing phil is amazing.

2009-01-03T11:06:00.007+08:00

New year, new cup. And boy do I love my new cup! It is a Frisch cup, and it is the white one, based on the picture. My dad gave it to me because last year I was complaining about how I desperately needed a new cup. And it was still in a box and all and I love it! I am very anal about the cup I use at home. I only use one cup and I scream at anyone who tries to use it and wash it every five minutes. Because I do not want to contract mononucleosis. And I love this cup because it makes me feel all mature and office-y when I use it. The first drink I had in it was coffee with cocoa powder.

The best song to start of the new year with. It makes me smile and cry and I think I know what I need to do now.

"At first he thought it was fictional. He knew she was writing something and she had told him she might share it with him at some point when she felt it was ready. But slowly he began to realize that this wasn't fiction at all. Not only the parts about him, but everything - her childhood. He wasn't sure how he knew but he did. That Ruby had not made this up. That she had lived it and survived and it was real.

And there was something else Orion knew then. He would go to her and stand beside her and if there were any demons to fight he would be there to fight them, too. It was one thing to do it in the movies and it was another to do it in real life for someone you loved."

oh my god it is the new year i think i am hyperventilating

2009-01-01T10:33:00.002+08:00

Tagged by Alyah.

What I want in 2009:
To get stellar O Level results
To get into a school of my choice
To stop procrastinating
To be a better student
To not skip prayers
To have better relationships
To be happy
To not be crying on 31st December 2009 wondering where the hell I went wrong.

What I hope for my family:
For my dad to be more understanding
For my mom to stay strong and not just give up and get a divorce
For my brother to pass Mathematics
For my sister to get into NUS
For my younger sister to do well in Art
For my grandmother to get better, oh please God let her get better.

What I hope for the world:
That Barack Obama really does bring change
For the economic situation to get better so people can be happy again
For an end to prejudice and wars and taxes
For no epidemics or outbreaks of new diseases
For people to start loving our environment

In year 2020:
To have a stable career
To be, if not married, in a strong and mutually-fulfilling relationship
To have a Masters in Political Science
To be able to provide for my parents so that my dad can retire
To be able to drive a really cool car

For 4/6:
For everyone to do freaking well for O Levels
To be able to meet up every month
For everyone to go to where they want to be
For Xuan Jie to stop growing
For Shayne to gain maturity
For Horny Bananas to stay together
For Dennison to not cut his fringe
For Timothy to remain cute
To be able to wave to Nabilah again
To be able to call Marie Marie-chan regularly
For everyone to be happy.

For you other folks:
For Siska to get her blogging mojo back and fall in love
For Maryam to be able to find herself and be happy
For Namira to not lose her wallet and go to a junior college
For Azmi to be able to do great in Meridian and soccer
For Alyah to come up with cool stuff like this and be my GFFN
For Farreha to get into junior college and subsequently marry Ariff
To go to the museum with Nabilah Zaharah
For the band to do fantastic for SYF
To see the band do fantastic at SYF with Raudhah
To be able to carry a decent conversation with Hadi without passing out
To meet up with everyone I know regularly
For us all not to forget our secondary school times.

a new dawn.

2008-12-29T12:30:00.004+08:00

Today is the Ist of Muharam, which means it is already the new year according to the Islamic calender. So this is going to be my last post for the year.

Oh wow, 2008 has been a whirlwind. So many, many significant things have happened. One of the more significant incidents has got to be my freaky hospital incident, with the whole surgery and all, which was in January. Now when I look back on it, it feels like it happened to someone else, a very long time ago. Then there was the whole academic thing. 2008 was a very important academic year, what with the O Levels and all. Socially, I was great. I had my wonderful Hulabagi girls and my equally splendid boyfriend with me. There were ruts along the way, but everyone has their bad days.

2009 promises to be a very scary year. There are so many changes that is hard to keep everything straight. New school, new friends. New life. I feel really apprehensive about all of it, but at the same time, the challenges seem somewhat appealing. It is a new year and when new year comes along, everyone takes the opportunity to put the past behind them and put forth a better person.

There is something that always puzzles me about New Year's. Some people are really happy and partying to their hearts content, but really, I think the coming of the new year is really sad. Because another year has passed, another year of missed opportunities and broken dreams and sordid pasts. One year older. But I guess that is why some people like new year. Because they can start afresh. While it marks the end of a chapter in your life, it also brings hope for a new phase.

So go and make your resolutions, and have a great start to this brand new year. Happy New Year, kids. (:

Best Hari Raya Photo

My cousin, really. My mom could not stop laughing.

Best Hulabagi Photo

Because it shows how far we have come. Look at us now!

Best Class Photo

Oh I love my class.

Best Horny Bananas Photo

Siska is even eating a banana!

Best Prom Photo

Because Ain was wearing a dress.

Best Family Photo

I love my aunts and my grandmother. And why does my mom seem to be laughing in every photo?

Best Drum Major Photo

Speech Day memories. Oh I miss band.

Best Rocking-people Photo

Photo credit: Farreha. I love you guys.

Best Photo-taken-while-studying Photo

Uh. I love Literature? In my defense, it was a study break.

Best Freaky Hospital Episode Photo

I would put a picture of the wound, but that is freaky.

"The money's not paper."

2008-12-28T11:05:00.008+08:00

If there ever was a doubt that Andrew Bravener is brilliant, this will erase all of it. Only Andrew can make a parody and keep me watching about gum for twenty minutes. I love Andrew Bravener. You should too.

Tagged by Namira and Farreha.

60 QUESTIONS PEOPLE DO NOT ASK IN SURVEYS.
*CAUTION: BLOODY LONG QUIZ.

When the last time you ran?
Yesterday morning, when I was trying to go to the bathroom before my sister.
Do your jeans have rips, tears and holes in them?
Only one pair does, but I will never wear it. Maybe when I am aiming for the grunge look one day.
What are you dreading now?
O Level results.
Do you celebrate 420?
No I am not a cannabis law reform activist who meet other activists under a walnut tree on the Otago University Union Lawn on Wednesdays and Fridays at 4:20pm to openly smoke cannabis in public in what they consider an 'act of protest'.
Do you get the full eight hours of sleep a night?
Yes I do.
Who last grabbed your ass?
Hmm.
Have you ever been on your school's track team?
No. I was never much of a runner.
Do you own a pair of Converse?
Yes I do.
Did you copy and paste this survey?
No, because I cannot copy and paste from Farreha's blog and Namira split her quiz so it was frustrating to get it straight.
Do you eat raw cookie dough?
I do! I love cookie dough. I know it is gross and all but I like it.
Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
Yes, the school one because it ate my money. I think I can say this now because I am not there anymore.
Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over?
No, not really. I am not much of a radio listener. I do hate it when they say a song is new when it actually came out five months ago.
Do you watch Trading Spaces?
I watch Trading Spouses, does that count?
How do you eat Oreos?
I love Oreos. I t depends. Sometimes I do the whole Twist Lick Dunk thing, except not with milk because I hate white milk. When I am lazy I just eat it as it is.
Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone?
Not that I can remember.
Are you cocky?
I am not sure.
Could you live without a computer?
Probably, but it would not be much of a life.
Do you wear your shoes in your house?
No, unless I am breaking in a new pair of heels.
Who or what sleeps with you?
My cellphone, blanket and a huge pillow that I cannot sleep without.
At what age did you find out Santa wasn't real?
I never did believe in Santa.
How many phones, house phones and cellphones, are there in your house?
Two house phones, three cellphones.
What do you do when you're sad?
I write stories about people dying.
Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
My mother. She would probably be ecstatic, then give me grief for gambling. Not that I would, of course.
Last time you saw your best friend?
Last week.
Are you in High School?
No.
What jewelry are you wearing?
Not wearing any.
Is anyone on your bad side now?
No, not really.
What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Check my mails.
Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
No. I am sorry, Hadi.
How do most people spell your name?
Syafiqah. Or Syafikah. Or Shafikah. Or Shafiqah.
Would you wear a boy/girlfriend's clothes?
Yes I would.
Where do you work?
At home, changing diapers of old women and teaching ungrateful brats Primary Six mathematics.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to the library. It has been a while.
Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
I hope not. Justin raping little boys is just too sad.
Favourite name for a girl?
I have no idea. I think all girls' names are nice. Except for.. Kalsom. Or something.
Favoutite name for a boy?
Mikhail. I don't know, I have always loved that name.
Will you keep your last name when you get married?
I doubt my dad will let me get married otherwise.
When was the last time you left your house?
This morning to check the mail.
Do you return your cart?
I never use a cart.
Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes, it is called my mom. Haha, no. We just wash our own dishes.
What noise do you hear?
VersaEmerge, and in the distance, my mom telling my grandmother to chew. She forgets sometimes.
Would you survive in prison?
Well, I think I would be bored and sick of the food, but maybe. I can concoct a prison break plan.
Who is the youngest in your family?
My jerk of a little brother, Syed Haziq. I could kill him, but then there would be noone to pass down the whole family name and all.
If all your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack?
I have to agree with Namira, it is Maryam. I am sorry babe, but remember NYAA?
Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Would you like the list in chronological order?
What's the last thing you purchased?
Chocolate.
Do your siblings ever pay stuff for you?
Haha, it pays to have an elder sister. Yes, sometimes.
What brand are your pants right now?
White Sands Primary School. Yes that is the brand.
Ever been to Georgia (the state)?
No.
What irritates you the most on the internet?
Pop ups that tell you you have won $10000000. Worse, some are in Malay.
What brand is your digital camera?
Sony.
Do you watch movies with your parents?
Yes, but my mom always has something to say about the characters and my dad always falls asleep.
What song best describes your life right now?
This song.
Do you own expensive perfume/cologne?
Just Body Shop stuff.
Are you taking college classes right now?
No.
Do you like sushi?
I am tolerant of some, but the ones with really raw fish grosses me out.
Do you get your hair cut every month?
No, not lately. I am trying to grow it out.
Do you go online everyday?
No.
Will you pass this survey to five people?
OH FINALLY IT IS DONE. I shall spare you from the agony of the sixty questions.

now that you know.

2008-12-27T10:56:00.006+08:00

I love this song on my blog. It is The Authors by VersaEmerge and they are my new favourite band. They are also by Fueled By Ramen, like Paramore and Panic at the Disco and The Cab and The Academy Is and Cobra Starship and Cute is What We Aim For. Anyway, I love Sierra's voice, she is the front woman for VE. And while there are obvious similarities between Paramore and VersaEmerge, they are not the same. Sure, both have front women who both have nice hair. But VersaEmerge's sound is different from Paramore's.

So the YouTubers who compare VersaEmerge and Paramore, shut up. Really, instead they should appreciate the new band and wish them luck for the future.

These days I have been getting increasingly bored. Because there is only so much fun in going out or staying at home and not having to do anything and having absolute free time. Well, not exactly now that I have Malaysian cousins here. This is really new. I never knew I had Malaysian relatives. Well I knew I had them, but I never knew them. So it is really exciting.

But that is beside the point.

To curb my extreme boredom, I have taken many different approaches.

I have tried going online more often than usual, but that pissed my parents off.

I reread the entire Twilight series, but now that is done.

I have gone out as much as humanely possible, but now I am broke for the holidays.

I have cleaned my room of the secondary school clutter.

I have watched so much television that I am sick of it and am thinking of selling it.

However, since about a week ago, I have been kept pleasantly busy with something else.

Writing.

I know that sounds really weird, but let me explain.

I was toying with the idea of writing for quite a while, but was simply too lazy to bother. But then when you get bored you do things that you had been too lazy to do, so I started writing. At first what I write was innocent enough, little short stories about happy people with happy lives. Then it started to get more morbid. My ideas start becoming more macabre about people dying horrible deaths and murders and suicides and really bad things. It has gotten to the point where I get really scared when I am writing what I write, but I write it anyway.

Maybe one day I shall post what I write, so you can be the judge. But meanwhile it is just really humiliating and saturnine, so I will keep it to myself.

sparky sparky boom

2008-12-25T13:20:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas to y'all who celebrate it. (:

The best Christmas movie scene ever. It is heartbreakingly sweet and beautiful, and heartbreaking.

And because it is also my favourite Christmas song, this is for Namira.

false impression.

2008-12-22T11:28:00.007+08:00

It feels good to be blogging because then I feel like I am using my brain a little, because my holiday is otherwise very mind-numbing. When I blog I can convince myself that despite not being in school for a fairly long time, I can still write and that I do not sound like a philistine when I am using the English language.

I am very excitedly and anxiously awaiting for the O Level results to come out. I know I should probably be scared because my performance at the O Levels was not as good as I hoped it would be, but nevertheless, there was some measure of effort put in (mearge, as it may be) so I am really eager to see the end results. By no means does this mean that I am confident my results would be stellar, if anything I think they are the opposite. I just hate all this waiting around for the big unknown and the anticipation that gets heightened and all. I just want to get it over with because the O Levels will never be officially over otherwise.

The weirdest thing happened. Maybe it is not weird for you, if you have encountered this before. Anyway, I was trying to access the Livejournal of a friend of mine, but somehow I could not find it, and got to a page that said this:

Page Not Found
I'm sorry, you've reached a page that I cannot find. I'm really sorry about this. It's kind of embarassing. Here you are, the user, trying to get to a page on LiveJournal and I can't even serve it to you. What does that say about me? I'm just a webserver. My sole purpose in life is to serve you webpages and I can't even do that! I suck. Please don't be mad, I'll try harder. I promise! Who am I kidding? You're probably all like, "Man, LiveJournal's webserver sucks. It can't even get me where I want to go." I'm really sorry. Maybe it's my CPU...no that's ok...how bout my hard drives? Maybe. Where's my admin? I can't run self-diagnostics on myself. It's so boring in this datacenter. It's the same thing everyday. Oh man, I'm so lonely. I'm really sorry about rambling about myself, I'm selfish. I think I'm going to go cut my ethernet cables. I hope you get to the page you're looking for...goodbye cruel world!
-the webserver

I found this really funny. Really, this is so much better than the plain "Page not found" thing that shows up whenever you are attempting to access a page that does not exist.

On other news, I watched Twilight again and it was infinitely better the second time because I was not too busy ogling at the Cullens and could instead focus on the actual movie. Which is a good thing. Really.

P.S: I love Psych! I cannot believe I have never watched it before, but it is hilarious and I love it!

of butterscotch and fudge, and cheesecake brownie(:

2008-12-20T16:17:00.011+08:00

****

Tagged by Namira, Maryam and Farreha.

1. Besides your lips, where is your favourite spot to get kissed?
Forehead and side of my neck.
2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
Sleepy because I woke up at 7, contemplative because I was trying to recall why I woke up at 7.
3. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My grandmother, because I love taking pictures of my grandmother.
4. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
No.
5. Would you ever donate blood?
Yes. If I can. Unless I am like my sister, with low blood count and cannot donate blood.
6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes.
7. Do you want someone dead?
No. (I was typing George Bush then started thinking it was very politically incorrect of me.)
8. What does your last text message say?
Last that I sent? "I am on my way home now. Stop messaging me, I will not reply."
9. What are you thinking of right now?
An answer to this question.
10. Do you wish someone was with you right now?
Yes.
11. What time did you go to sleep last night?
About 2 in the morning.
12. Where did you buy the T-shirt you are wearing now?
It is a tank top, and it is from Zara.
13. Is someone on your mind right now?
Yes.
14. Who was the last person to text you?
Azmi.

10 people to tag:
1. Siska
2. Maryam
3. Namira
4. Farreha
5. Raudhah
6. Sakinah
7. Nabilah
8. Alyah
9. Amanda
10. Robert Pattinson (because I want Robert Pattinson to do every quiz I do.)
15) Who is 2 having a relationship with?
Hasif.
16) Is 3 a male of a female?
Female.
17) If 7 and 10 get together will that be a good thing?
You tell me. I should probably have put Jasper as 10.
18) What is Number 1 studying about?
The art of Karaoke Partying.
19) When was the last time you had a chat with them?
Some two days ago, some two seconds ago, some two weeks ago.
20) Is Number 4 single?
No.
21) Say something about Number 2.
One of the funnest and funniest and nicest people you would ever know. Love you Maryam. :D
22) What do you think about Number 3 and 6 being together?
My sister and my sister from another mother. Hmm.
23) Describe Number 9.
Amanda! Really cool and spunky and my banana bratty and a non-cyclist, just like me.(:
24) What will you do if Number 6 and 7 fight?
They do not know each other.